the last 30 days have been an interesting time for me. i turned 30, my littlest one is 7 months old, the 3 year old gave me a run for my money every single day, and my husband and i truly found our stride as a couple. i am honestly thankful that i chose to blog this month, and i had no idea what this april had in store for me when april fool's day rolled around.
tonight i am having a hard time. the withdrawals have finally reached my brain and i am so frustrated that i have been reduced to self deprecating tears multiple times today. my memory has given me a run for my money tonight and i am frustrated because i know i shouldn't be having these issues. tonight i feel like the things happening to me are happening in snippets and it is hard to deal with. i can say, with all honesty, that the last week has been one of the most trying times in my life, and i am still powering through.
the husband didn't have a very good end of month and i feel for him. he works so hard for his company and for his family and i feel bad for him when things don't exactly work out for him. he kept his head with him as soon as he walked through our doors this week and he, as always, stepped in as the amazing father and husband that he is. i just couldn't put my feelings towards my husband in words that would give him justice; he is my best friend, my rock. i just love him, i really do. i couldn't possibly begin to be me without him.
chunk is growing up so quickly. i can't believe that she is already 7 months old. when i was 7 months pregnant with her i was miserable, and i never thought that she would be here. i remember wondering if i would be able to breastfeed her, if i would love her the same way i loved ge, and if i would even find the time to be a mom to her in the middle of the life of crazy that i lived. and chunk came and she blew me out of the water from the word go. i gave birth to her via c-section and being away from her during those moments of recovery were so hard. from the moment i met her i loved her with every inch of who i am. chunk has put the color into the sketch of my life and i love her for it more every day.
and ge, my sweet ge. that little boy is so brilliant and so sweet. at least once a day he turns to me and says, "mom? i love you, mom." and my heart is filled. i didn't know who i was before there was ge and he reminds me everyday that he has helped me find myself. being a mother to him has changed me for so many positive reasons and he taught me to find meaning in myself. ge is a hard subject for me because i feel like i become so choked up when i think about who he is. i am so proud of that little boy and we are so connected for so many reasons. even on our hardest days i can't help but pick him up into my arms and thank him for just existing.
i thought that 30 was going to be the end of me, but with my family behind me i know that it is just the beginning. living so close to my sister again has given me such happiness. being able to be 2 and a half hours away from a patio and a glass of wine with my hero, my friend, has brought such a new light into my life. i have reexamined my life and my friendships and everything i have in this life feels solid.
so sprout, yeah, i am doing that. i am going to keep doing that. i felt like blogging through april was hard, but when nablopomo sent me the email today that the theme for may is maybe, well i am on board. and maybe they won't all be lengthy. and maybe i won't make it every day. but i am going to try and i am going to pat myself on the back if i make it. and maybe tomorrow i am going to wake up and all of this shit is going to be gone and i will be back - 30 years old, mother of 2, proud wife, and still trying to figure it all the frack out.
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
4.30.2011
4.25.2011
a good excuse becomes a simple reason
i really wanted to edit and post my pictures of our wonderful easter and include a story or two, but instead i woke up with an abscessed tooth, spent the afternoon at urgent care, and have been battling the crazy heat along with a wonderful bout of extreme nausea. typing words is making my stomach churn even more. this. is. lame.
and in all honesty i am currently detoxing from zoloft (have been for 4 days now) and it is absolutely horrible. the zaps are miserable, the constant sickness, debilitating depression, hot / cold spells, headache, numbness, tears, and all of the other evils that come with withdrawal. i would have never, never, gone on zoloft if someone explained to me that when i got off of it i would literally go through withdrawals; it's horrible. i could write a p.s.a. about the evils of that effing drug, but i have to go throw up, again.
so yes, the last four days have been horrible. easter was wonderful and my family is amazing, but i have been in the heat of a losing battle and it doesn't really feel like it is getting any better. i read that zoloft detox takes a week or a few months. and i wouldn't have gone off of it, but i literally was becoming alarmingly suicidal and it took me sitting down after a long crazy conversation with my sister to realize that something was going on in my brain that wasn't healthy. and so, as a grown ass adult who needs to reach in and find her coping skills, i got off of that drug and am going to learn to manage my anxiety and my ocd the old fashioned way ... by sucking it up.
after suffering postpartum depression with my son i welcomed in the damb drug with open arms when my obgyn gave me a prescript when my daughter was born. and it helped for a while. but after getting my dose upped to 150 mg things started to get out of control. i didn't even realize that i was spending most of my days deep in thoughts of horrible things i could do to myself and it never really occurred to me that something was wrong with that. and looking back on it the longer i took zoloft the more depressed i became and that is what made me decide i needed more and so on. the effing drug is a vicious cycle with no rinse option.
and yes, maybe this is a little bit of blog t.m.i., but maybe someone will read this and they will understand my message - zoloft is teh evils. i would have told you different a few months ago, but i was wrong. very wrong. and ytf don't doctors tell you that when you go off of it you will literally go insane(r)? my heart beat is completely irregular right now and the doctor at urgent care just said, "yep, going off that drug is really hard." i feel like doctors should tell you that you will have to go through all of these things, because i never would have gone on it. if my doctor would have said, "well, it's going to help balance your hormones out after the pregnancy, but eventually it will make you incredibly depressed and you will think that suicide is a great option. and then, when you realize that that is in no way healthy because the person that is inside of you that isn't on crazy drugs loves her life and definitely wants to live, you will get off of it and horrible things will happen to you. you will be sitting on the couch and it will feel like someone literally shocked your brain and then you will feel dizzy and then you will spend an entire morning crying for no reason and feel a sadness that is heavier than any blanket you have ever felt. here, take this pill." i would have been forced to punch my doctor and tell him / her abso-fracking-lutely not. and, are you freaking stupid? no one should feel any of those things.
and there you have it. if that doesn't fit the april theme of "sprout" for nablopomo, i don't know what does. i am sprouting back to myself. i am remembering, again, that i don't need all the crazy stuff and i just need to be surrounded by the wonderful people i love. life has its hard moments, but looking back on all of it i am thrilled to be here today. and, ask anyone who knows me, i can be drama.
please send my tooth infection negative thoughts and tell it you don't want it around me anymore. make it feel really bad about itself because it is killing me. 4 more days of antibiotics and hopefully only a few more days of withdrawal. i told the husband tonight that i do feel like i am going to come out of this in a few days and i will feel like me again. the real me that isn't completely insane. the drama me, but not the drama me that bawls all night and says horrible things i really don't feel. i miss me. i miss my own brain and my own feelings and not being a blue robot.
remember, kids, just say no to drugs. all of them.
and in all honesty i am currently detoxing from zoloft (have been for 4 days now) and it is absolutely horrible. the zaps are miserable, the constant sickness, debilitating depression, hot / cold spells, headache, numbness, tears, and all of the other evils that come with withdrawal. i would have never, never, gone on zoloft if someone explained to me that when i got off of it i would literally go through withdrawals; it's horrible. i could write a p.s.a. about the evils of that effing drug, but i have to go throw up, again.
so yes, the last four days have been horrible. easter was wonderful and my family is amazing, but i have been in the heat of a losing battle and it doesn't really feel like it is getting any better. i read that zoloft detox takes a week or a few months. and i wouldn't have gone off of it, but i literally was becoming alarmingly suicidal and it took me sitting down after a long crazy conversation with my sister to realize that something was going on in my brain that wasn't healthy. and so, as a grown ass adult who needs to reach in and find her coping skills, i got off of that drug and am going to learn to manage my anxiety and my ocd the old fashioned way ... by sucking it up.
after suffering postpartum depression with my son i welcomed in the damb drug with open arms when my obgyn gave me a prescript when my daughter was born. and it helped for a while. but after getting my dose upped to 150 mg things started to get out of control. i didn't even realize that i was spending most of my days deep in thoughts of horrible things i could do to myself and it never really occurred to me that something was wrong with that. and looking back on it the longer i took zoloft the more depressed i became and that is what made me decide i needed more and so on. the effing drug is a vicious cycle with no rinse option.
and yes, maybe this is a little bit of blog t.m.i., but maybe someone will read this and they will understand my message - zoloft is teh evils. i would have told you different a few months ago, but i was wrong. very wrong. and ytf don't doctors tell you that when you go off of it you will literally go insane(r)? my heart beat is completely irregular right now and the doctor at urgent care just said, "yep, going off that drug is really hard." i feel like doctors should tell you that you will have to go through all of these things, because i never would have gone on it. if my doctor would have said, "well, it's going to help balance your hormones out after the pregnancy, but eventually it will make you incredibly depressed and you will think that suicide is a great option. and then, when you realize that that is in no way healthy because the person that is inside of you that isn't on crazy drugs loves her life and definitely wants to live, you will get off of it and horrible things will happen to you. you will be sitting on the couch and it will feel like someone literally shocked your brain and then you will feel dizzy and then you will spend an entire morning crying for no reason and feel a sadness that is heavier than any blanket you have ever felt. here, take this pill." i would have been forced to punch my doctor and tell him / her abso-fracking-lutely not. and, are you freaking stupid? no one should feel any of those things.
and there you have it. if that doesn't fit the april theme of "sprout" for nablopomo, i don't know what does. i am sprouting back to myself. i am remembering, again, that i don't need all the crazy stuff and i just need to be surrounded by the wonderful people i love. life has its hard moments, but looking back on all of it i am thrilled to be here today. and, ask anyone who knows me, i can be drama.
please send my tooth infection negative thoughts and tell it you don't want it around me anymore. make it feel really bad about itself because it is killing me. 4 more days of antibiotics and hopefully only a few more days of withdrawal. i told the husband tonight that i do feel like i am going to come out of this in a few days and i will feel like me again. the real me that isn't completely insane. the drama me, but not the drama me that bawls all night and says horrible things i really don't feel. i miss me. i miss my own brain and my own feelings and not being a blue robot.
remember, kids, just say no to drugs. all of them.
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