sprouting, yeah i did that.

the last 30 days have been an interesting time for me. i turned 30, my littlest one is 7 months old, the 3 year old gave me a run for my money every single day, and my husband and i truly found our stride as a couple. i am honestly thankful that i chose to blog this month, and i had no idea what this april had in store for me when april fool's day rolled around.

tonight i am having a hard time. the withdrawals have finally reached my brain and i am so frustrated that i have been reduced to self deprecating tears multiple times today. my memory has given me a run for my money tonight and i am frustrated because i know i shouldn't be having these issues. tonight i feel like the things happening to me are happening in snippets and it is hard to deal with. i can say, with all honesty, that the last week has been one of the most trying times in my life, and i am still powering through.

the husband didn't have a very good end of month and i feel for him. he works so hard for his company and for his family and i feel bad for him when things don't exactly work out for him. he kept his head with him as soon as he walked through our doors this week and he, as always, stepped in as the amazing father and husband that he is. i just couldn't put my feelings towards my husband in words that would give him justice; he is my best friend, my rock. i just love him, i really do. i couldn't possibly begin to be me without him.

chunk is growing up so quickly. i can't believe that she is already 7 months old. when i was 7 months pregnant with her i was miserable, and i never thought that she would be here. i remember wondering if i would be able to breastfeed her, if i would love her the same way i loved ge, and if i would even find the time to be a mom to her in the middle of the life of crazy that i lived. and chunk came and she blew me out of the water from the word go. i gave birth to her via c-section and being away from her during those moments of recovery were so hard. from the moment i met her i loved her with every inch of who i am. chunk has put the color into the sketch of my life and i love her for it more every day.

and ge, my sweet ge. that little boy is so brilliant and so sweet. at least once a day he turns to me and says, "mom? i love you, mom." and my heart is filled. i didn't know who i was before there was ge and he reminds me everyday that he has helped me find myself. being a mother to him has changed me for so many positive reasons and he taught me to find meaning in myself. ge is a hard subject for me because i feel like i become so choked up when i think about who he is. i am so proud of that little boy and we are so connected for so many reasons. even on our hardest days i can't help but pick him up into my arms and thank him for just existing.

i thought that 30 was going to be the end of me, but with my family behind me i know that it is just the beginning. living so close to my sister again has given me such happiness. being able to be 2 and a half hours away from a patio and a glass of wine with my hero, my friend, has brought such a new light into my life. i have reexamined my life and my friendships and everything i have in this life feels solid.

so sprout, yeah, i am doing that. i am going to keep doing that. i felt like blogging through april was hard, but when nablopomo sent me the email today that the theme for may is maybe, well i am on board. and maybe they won't all be lengthy. and maybe i won't make it every day. but i am going to try and i am going to pat myself on the back if i make it. and maybe tomorrow i am going to wake up and all of this shit is going to be gone and i will be back - 30 years old, mother of 2, proud wife, and still trying to figure it all the frack out.

rah-roh

so michael scott hasn't officially left yet, but i am already tearing up watching the engagement episode, so i know that in 3 minutes from now i am totally screwed in the kerry-cries-at-the-drop-of-a-hat arena. the husband and i spend so much time devoted to our marriage and our children that we forget to have real friends, so our television shows kind of turn into our friends and we really get involved. i actually talk about the people on how i met your mother as if i really spend time with them and they are something other than a script. and, to be fair, that show (and parenthood!) is the best show ever.

i could take a moment here to discuss my thoughts on the new season of teen mom and the fact that dustin from rrlv is totally effed up in the head because of his stint as a boy on boy porn star, but i won't. i feel as if i have already said too much.

i am feeling a lot more like myself today. i actually spent the morning laughing and playing and none of my feelings were forced in any way. and that is saying a lot because chunky decided that sleep was for bitches last night and that neither her father or i are bitches. don't worry, you'll get it. i cleaned the house, bought some red wine, turned some of that red wine into an amazing sketti sauce, and now it is time to tune into our television friends to see if their days were okay, too.

i love my g rated life. goodnight.

the beatles were right

- it is getting better all the time.

today has been a much easier day. perhaps that is because i bought a fan and a few clothes i feel good in from the target, or perhaps it is because i noticed that since i stopped taking the zoloft my hair actually stopped falling out, perhaps it is the antibiotics finally kicking in, or it is simply because i have an amazing family that has rallied around me for days. i wish i could say that my poor husband is doing well, but it is month end and his numbers aren't where they should be and he is very rabble rabble.

today ge and i battled back and forth about every hour or so. we are working on listening, which is far easier said than done. chunk is really wanting to crawl, but only thinks that that can be done while floundering about on her over-sized belly. and as much as i want to blog, i am tired and 30 days is a long time. i started out so passionate, but i have just lost that loving blog feeling.

and it's gone, gone, gone ... woahohahoh ba dum ba dum.

it's kind of ...

every night as i get ge ready for bed we discuss the events of the day, or the weekend, in order to remind him that even though he has to sleep now, we actually did have fun in the past. tonight we were talking about our awesome easter weekend and i asked him why he didn't want to say hi to elmo or the easter bunny while we were at the fire house on saturday and he replied, "well, because they were creepy."

i have a blog that includes pictures sitting up in my head that includes all of the fun details from our weekend, but instead of writing it now i am going to put it off until tomorrrow because - well, because relax. that's why. relax + beer + last moments with the husband before he is off to month end work week + relax = no lengthy blog tonight.

we had an amazing weekend and my idea worked out perfectly and right now there is a giant thunderstorm happening outside and even though my brain and my body are pretty effed up for currently undisclosed reasons i am going to end this run on sentence by saying that all of those good things in the before of this sentence are making all the bad things okay. well, as okay as the bad things can be. relax.

the best part of waking up

first thing in the morning, when my husband is rising from bed to get ready for work, i like to shift myself and my pillow over to his side of the bed and saddle into supreme comfort. i do this because i love the smell and the reminder of him just existing. ge often walks in shortly after, with the biggest pouty pants face ever, to crawl up next to me and ask sadly why daddy has to go to work. one day, during the comfort and the pouting, i let ge know that daddy has to go to work so we can have a house and presents; ge replied saying, "i don't want presents, i just want daddy to stay home." and my heart melted.

i may be the person that cleans our home, cooks our dinners, and cares for the kids throughout the day, but my husband is the glue that holds everything together. not only is he amazingly handsome, but he is such a caring and loving man. there isn't a single day that passes where he puts his own needs in front of anyone else and he always knows how to bring a smile and a laugh in the very hardest of times. i know it is cliché, and perhaps a bit fluffy lovey, but he really is my best friend and the light at the end of my tunnel. it would be impossible to put words to the way that i love him, and the way he loves us.

and so, in those morning minutes, i take in everything i feel for him with a deep breath and an intense feeling of appreciation and love. i may not tell him those feelings each day, but i try and never let a moment go by where i don't let him now that he is our strength and peace. and every day those moments are the most relaxing ones for me, the ones that get me ready to great my day and ready myself for whatever insanity the little uns' are about to bring upon me. i do not know what heaven feels like, but i imagine it has nothing on that.

em oh you es eeeeee

ge came running in from the patio today and happily screamed, "mom! it's just so nice to play bubbles outside!" the gods of weather finally shined a beautiful day of sunshine and 70 degrees upon us and he so enjoyed running outside and blowing bubbles and drawing with his chalk. i love watching him play outside; he always looks so genuinely happy. a lot like how he looks when he plays with his daddy.

we have been working on counting with ge for the past few months. i literally spent about 3 weeks trying to convince him that the number 5 exists. normally when he would count he would go, "1, 2, 3, 4 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 8, 9, 10!" 5, 6, and 7 really felt left out. one of his favorite games is hide and seek and we incorporated a need to count before we played at all and the other day, as he told his dad to go hide by the couch, he started counting and he counted from 1 - 15 and he included all of the numbers, and i was so excited that i let out a little yelp and felt a lot like crying. he counts to fifteen, he will actually sing me the entire alphabet song and he doesn't miss a letter, and he loves singing me twinkle twinkle little star.

my favorite activity of the ge man lately is his love for his mickey mouse clubhouse plush dolls. they are just the little disney store guys, perfect size for his 3 year old little hands, and he loves them. wow, does he ever love them. disney should start paying me for how often that kid watches, references, and dreams about mickey mouse. he currently owns pink minnie, red minnie, mickey, pluto, goofy, daisy, and donald and he carries them around the house with them. he loves to make his dad and i give them voices and act out games with them. but when he is having his own time in his room he will sit with all of them and give them his voice, and make them have his scenarios, and if you peek in on him while he is doing it he immediately turns red in the face and stops. and so i will sit by the door to his bedroom without him knowing and i will listen to my beautiful little three year old boy give his favorite toys his own voice. and wow, his voice is the cutest thing i have ever heard. and mickey and his friends, they fight, the make-up, the are never allowed to hit each other, and they always give one another hugs when something happened at ge's clubhouse to make them sad. listening to him give those dolls life makes me so proud to have such a sweet and beautiful little boy.

he may make crazy sounds, or tell me no when i try to do things like feed him, or put him to bed. but he is my pain in the ass little three year old and i love him more and more with each passing day. he gives me, his dad, and his little sister a voice, too.

candle light vigil - twenties edition

my wonderful husband lit thirty candles for me this morning and woke me up to come see them along with the sweet ass classic 160 gig i pod he got me. he said it was welcoming in my 30s, but we see things a bit differently. and so, as i blew them out, i mourned the loss of my sweet friend 2. may my twenties rest in the chaotic peace they lived in. forever and ever, amen.

giving 30 before 30

my 30th birthday is in 2 days. in the spirit of living 3 decades i have decided to make a list. i am calling this my 30 people, place, events, and / or things that i have loved before 30 list. it's a lengthy title, but my life has been, as well. 

and now, in a not not random order, my 30 people, place, events, and / or things that i have loved before 30 list:

• red lodge, montana. for the years and years of experiences i have had there. not limited to, but including: the hotel, the hot tub, the pool, the laughs, the drinks, the drives, and the family memories. 
• living in the same apartment complex as my sister for some wild and crazy years. we lived, we laughed, we drank a bit too much, and one time some guy with a mullet threatened us. also, pink fucking sauce.
• pool league. at one time i actually beat one of the top ranked women in utah. also included is playing in the diviest of dive strip clubs in magna, utah. 
• avalanches and risqué behavior as a high school student during school hours. end of story. 
• also in high school; receiving my fire fighting 1, haz mat certification, and emt-b with a class of all males and being called, "one of the boys."
• certainly, of course, the birth of my first child. the events surrounding his entrance to the world were traumatic, but he changed me in every way for the better. we gave each other the life we always needed.
• fire pits with my family. yes, we are loud, obnoxious, and probably speak over each other too often, but we have a damn good time doing it. 
• the time they lit fire works off of our rental car in cowley, wyoming. 
• cowley, wyoming. full of my family, a wonderful parade every year, and a teenage dance where i did some teenage things. the smell of cowley, and the happiness of being there, will always feel like home.
• throwing a snowball at a buffalo in yellowstone when i was a very young girl because it wouldn't move.
• karaoke bowling with a big group of friends. girls just wanna have fun. 
• i ran over a bunny, once, coming home from a trip to montana / wyoming. and even though we were blasting slipknot in my sweet little isuzu, i burst into tears. i now call all of our hopping friends by our house my little bunny bunnies.
• the thousands of different haircuts and hairstyles that i have been through throughout the years. 
• moving to new mexico. damn, i miss the food. i miss the people. and i miss our home.
• of course, chunky being born. the husband and i had such a surreal experience that week. she gave us a family and all we have her was life; it doesn't seem like a just trade.
• receiving the title of miss raz mataz. hell, just dancing as a little girl meant the world to me. i will always remember a decent shuffle - ball - change.
• my mother, sitting in mormon church so many moons ago, singing a beautiful song with tears rolling down her face on father's day. there was so much power and emotion. 
• my sister, key west, dixie chicks cover - her beautiful voice singing on the patio is still something i can hear when i close my eyes. 
• i hated me some tubby brothers, but somehow being included in my brother's games, even if they hurt me, meant a lot to me as a child. 
• my sister's chemistry set. 
• the day my husband tried to break my arm and i wound up getting punched in the jaw by his dad.
• yes, that was a lot of fun.
• key west. spending a week spending too much money with all of the coolest people i know - getting kicked out of sloppy joes - i mean, really, what beats that?
• the time a group of friends and i went hiking up to the hot pots in the middle of the night after watching blair witch project and dustin from walla walla jump out of the bushes and literally sent our friend screaming bloody murder down at least a mile of the mountain.
• hiking delicate arch by full moon.
• being a mom, a wife, a sister, and a daughter. and taking that roll very seriously.
• all of the music that has been the soundtrack to this crazy 30 year roller coaster that has been my life. honorable mentions go to (first and foremost) sublime, color me badd, the violent femmes, boys 2 men, slipknot, jewel, eagles, tom petty, ian anderson, garth brooks, and jay-z.
• moving to pa
• my wedding week with my amazing husband. 
• the weekends, the days, the minutes, the moments, the everything that i stick into that seconds that is my life. it may not have always been perfect, but after thirty years i am in such an amazing place and i can honestly say; i simply couldn't ask for more.  

small n small y big effing q

the family and i have long loved denis leary. no cure for cancer was hilarious, and lock and load is a personal favorite stand-up for me.when i watched it, many moons ago, i had no idea the realities of what i thought was hilarious back then. ge is a wild man and lately he has embodied the little drunken midgets that denis describes so  well. and so, instead of my words today i give you denis's, because he is funnier than me and tells a damn good story. now, if you will excuse me i am off to have a beer and enjoy the silence. blessed be bedtime. 

burning bush? i think not

this may very well be tmi, but i am dying over here from continuous hot flashes. i so enjoy nursing my little chunk, but my hormones are so out-of-whack that i often feel like stripping off my clothes and hiding out in the freezer. if i wear anything more than a t-shirt, no matter what the weather, i am so miserable that it is unbearable. people look at me like i am a crazy woman when i am walking around in flip flops and t-shirt in the freezing cold weather, but every time they glance at me with the crazy looks i just want to scream at them, "you do not understand me! leave me alone to deal with my fifty thousand degree body in peace!" men just do not understand how much we women go through to produce evil little offspring and keep them happy and healthy.

last night my husband informed me that he took my sister's advice and made reservations at the chart house in annapolis for us for my birthday. he managed to snag us reservations for a table overlooking the water at sunset. not only will this be our first real date (by real i mean one where i wasn't miserably pregnant and feeling awful) in over a year and almost a half. he informed me that we will not be looking at any prices on the menu and that my only thing i have to do that night is enjoy myself. i am so excited. i cannot think of a better way to celebrate my crazy 30 years of life than expensive food and over-priced wine. there will be indulgence and it will be delicious. i love me some romance and i love me some husband.

i am typing this blog in the middle of the day because chunk is actually napping, again (that's 2 days in a row!) and ge is happily consuming tater tots and ketchup for lunch. how i met your mother is playing in the background and i am actually calm for the first afternoon in a while. i am enjoying the rain outside and the cool weather. there is a giant chicken to be roasted with lemons and garlicks for dinner, and the husband is bringing home fresh bread and salted butter to enjoy without regret. there is so much of friday night to enjoy ahead of me and a weekend with my wonderful family. i love being on the eve of weekends; it always lifts my mood to a better place.

i just shouldn't listen

i do not want to turn my new and improved blogging land into a space to discuss my political opinions, but i do feel a need to state my opinion for just a moment. listening to the radio tonight on my quick drive to the grocery store i happened in on a conversation between hugh hewitt and rick santorum where-in rick declared that planned parenthood has never cared about women's health and were only interested in abortions and eugenics. as a woman, a woman that has utilized the amazing services of planned parenthood since my teenage years, i couldn't be more offended. i have used planned parenthood for such a wide range of services including, but not limited to: birth control, plan b, advice, medical paperwork, and pregnancy tests (where they never offered me an abortion option, btw.) planned parenthood gives so many young women a place to admit that they are having sex and take the proper precautions to prevent unwanted pregnancies. they have been a safe haven for so many women and a friend to many more. i absolutely cannot stand sitting back and listening to a man tell people his opinions about a place he never even tried to understand. as women we deserve an option, a place, a voice, a fracking opinion - for hell's sake. it's such a maddening issue to me.

all that being said, chunk loved her some carrots today. it seemed as if the puffs really helped motivate her to eat and enjoy eating. she actually napped today, allowed me to sleep for 3 entire hours last night, and the husband and i are hoping that she will extend that to at least 3 and a 1/2 tonight. i feel hopeful. she seems to be coming around to a napping schedule. as a skeptic, though, i know that as soon as she gets on a schedule something horrible will come along to knock her off of it.

i love red wine. i love it a lot. it helps me tell my 3 year old, who is currently covering my glass patio doors in bubbles, that he is right in the fact that he thinks he is actually cleaning them. i just smile, try and hold back my ocd needs to clean the mess of bubbles off my windows, and then sip my wine knowing that it gives me sour grape comfort - for the moment.

confuseled

i am so tired. i am so tired that there are moments of saturday afternoon that i do not remember. i am so tired that last night i thought i was going crazy, but really wasn't, but still had my husband taste test rancid meat. something that he did not appreciate. i am so tired that when i woke up this morning i felt like i could have fallen asleep standing for the first two hours of my day. i am so tired that i can't even focus any longer.

ge was never like this. he was never a robot baby that could go without sleep. he was like me - later to bed and sleep in for a bit in the morning. he didn't stay awake for days on end. he didn't nap for 15 minutes in the day and then demand to play. he was a lot less evil. a lot.

i am hoping to sleep tonight. i am crossing my fingers that evil robot puppy baby gives me at least 5 hours of sleep. i am crossing my fingers that i don't hear the sound of her lifting her legs up in the air and slamming them down on the mattress. that noise signals trouble. that noise signals that i am not going to sleep, again.

the beginning of this month is not starting out how i had wished, but i remain hopeful. the husband brought me home a universal charger for my laptop today and i am happy to have it back; even if i am having a hard time remembering how to use it. it was beautiful outside today and i left the door open while ge ran in and out in between playing with his bubbles on the patio. i am off to bath chunk and put her to bed so i can put myself to bed. i am so ready to welcome my covers.

easy like sunday evening

this might make me a horrible mother, but i am excited for when the kids go to bed tonight. it's not that i don't love them, or think that they are hilarious and wonderful, but they are loud. and the youngest one thinks that sleep isn't necessary. and the 3 year old has taken to either asking questions or making random noises in a very loud manner. they have given us a run for our money today and i think that both the husband and i are looking forward to ending our weekend by sitting in a quiet room saying nothing unless necessary.

this weekend has been a wonderful one. the temperature actually rose above 40 today and ge and his daddy went and played at the park while chunk and i had the most peaceful grocery shopping trip ever. my windows were open and fresh air poured in, making me spring happy. sushi last night was delicious and morning glory was a surprisingly delightful movie. the only issues i take with weekends is the quickness with which they fly by. time just keeps flying by and i want to snatch it up and slow it down for a while.

up tonight is a bit of vodka suace over penne, some fresh garlic bread, and strawberry shortcake(ish) for dessert. i am looking forward to enjoying the last minutes with my husband before he disappears into his work week. luckily his last month was a good one and he is heading in tomorrow with less stress than usual. i am also looking forward to getting out and taking the kids for a walk in what the weatherman claims will be a 70 degrees monday.

we were joking today that if we didn't have the kids we would be off exploring philadelphia, spending too much money on fancy wine and fancy dinners. we talked about all the toys we could have and all the exciting things we could do, but at the end of it all we decided that we would just want to get pregnant anyway. i have had so many years where i have wanted to be something, hell, anything other than myself. i was jealous of what other people looked like, what they had, where they went, and who they knew. but now, for the first time in my life, i wouldn't change a thing. if i was anyone else i wouldn't be the mother to 2 beautiful children or a wife to the most amazing man i have ever known. it has taken me (almost) 30 years to get here, but i am ... here. i have arrived. and just in time. i told the husband i wanted ice cream cake for my birthday ... at least i get an excuse to indulge.

and before i end this, as i sit watching the husband hold chunk she is literally trying to chew a table. a table. she gets angry when he pulls her away from the table. i thought i gave birth to a real live baby girl, but it turns out she is a puppy. a puppy that never sleeps.

bah bah blog roll

yesterday i took chunky in for her 6 month well check, and well check that ended in her not being well, which seems ironic. the fever and the screaming from her shots was a bit excessive this round, and i felt horrible for her when she woke up this morning and her injection sites on her legs were burning hot. i hate shots. i mean, i know that they are good for her and blah, blah, blah, but they suck. her doctor gave her the thumbs up before the nurses gave her her shots, and i breathed a sigh of relief knowing that she is doing well. you always assume they are, but you also always worry they are not. silly mom stresses.

i have decided to blog my way through the month of april and have committed to nablopomo for the 30 days. 30 days for the 30 years that i have been alive. i can't not believe i am going to be 30. if you would have asked 25 year old me if i would be in an amazing marriage with my best friend, the mother of 2 beautiful children, and living on the east coast when i was 30 i would have most likely fallen on the ground with laughter. i cannot believe what a difference a year makes, let alone 5. i am so proud of myself for being where i am today and instead of crying through my birthday i have decided to celebrate it. the last few years have been so fulfilling, and i am looking forward to more life.

i am sure there is more to say. i am sure that my son's addiction to mickey mouse is borderline crazy. i am sure that i am so damb sick of winter i could scream. seriously, wtf is up with all the cold weather, east coast? i need some spring. i need some walking weather. i need something other than bitter ass cold and windy. and now you are telling me that snow might be here in the next day or so? you can just eff the right off, mother nature. and with that i am off to recreate rice krispie eggs with ge like in the cute commercial; it looked like a good time, but i am thinking about turning them into monsters.