7 long days in withdrawal hell

last friday i decided to throw my zoloft away rather than take my dose of addiction for one more evening. the last 7 days have been nothing short of a trial and the ebb and flow of my body's withdrawal from that horrible medication has been difficult. today my lips are almost numb, with the occasional intense tingling feeling finding its way in there. my hands and feet are numb and tingling and my emotions are all over the board. i cried all morning when i saw kate's dress. i mean, it was really pretty, but i don't think that a sane kerry would have spent an hour crying because of the lacy beauty of the dress. last night the zaps were so horrible that it felt like i was going to have a heart attack. every 3rd beat of my heart was a bit off and i felt like i was being tenderly electrocuted. i hate all of these feelings. i hate the anxiety and the physical and emotional pain that this fracking drug withdrawal has given me.


on the plus side; my hair isn't falling out anymore, my sex drive is coming back, i don't feel like shooting myself in the head, and i am starting to find my old spark of me again. my husband told me last night that he was happy to have me back and that seems silly, but the last few months have just been so incredibly difficult and i had no idea that a drug that was supposed to "help me" was swallowing me whole.


i am looking forward to a weekend of 70 degree temperatures, 2 wonderful kids, and a marvelous husband to share those things with. i am thinking there will be a trip to our local dairy to find ice cream and something to cook whatever we decided we want for dinner. merrymead farm has the absolute best strawberry ice cream that i have ever consumed. and the cream i bought from there and used for a decadent thanksgiving tiramisu was amazing. perhaps a nice steak will do, we shall see. i can say, with 100 % certainty, that i will not be getting the scrapple. it concerns me that people actually eat that shit.


for those of you that haven't heard of scrapple before and do not understand why i cringe at the word, let me quote the informational gods of wikipedia to explain:


"Locally called "everything but the oink" or made with "everything but the squeal", scrapple is typically made of hog offal, such as the head, heart, liver, and other scraps, which are boiled with any bones attached (often the entire head), to make a broth. Once cooked, bones and fat are discarded, the meat is reserved, and (dry) cornmeal is boiled in the broth to make a mush. The meat, finely minced, is returned to the pot and seasonings, typically sage, thyme, savory, black pepper, and others, are added. The mush is formed into loaves and allowed to cool thoroughly until set. The proportions and seasoning are very much a matter of the region and the cook's taste.


yeah, that's disgusting.


on the up and up the kids are doing well this week. ge and i have had a few battles, but only because i have ramped up lessons on politeness and listening a bit. he is such a smart and sweet little boy and is adapting to the lessons well. he never ceases to surprise me with his kindness and intelligence. chunk has decided that sleeping isn't necessary again, but i am sure that is because she is getting ready to crawl. she is doing well with solids and i absolutely cannot believe that i have made it this far with breastfeeding her. i was hoping to make it to a month when i was pregnant with her and now it has just become second nature for both of us. we have such a strong bond and i thank my body for that. i hate to spend so many days complaining, but it has been nice to blog through this withdrawal and put it all down instead of bottling it up. hopefully this passes soon.

rah-roh

so michael scott hasn't officially left yet, but i am already tearing up watching the engagement episode, so i know that in 3 minutes from now i am totally screwed in the kerry-cries-at-the-drop-of-a-hat arena. the husband and i spend so much time devoted to our marriage and our children that we forget to have real friends, so our television shows kind of turn into our friends and we really get involved. i actually talk about the people on how i met your mother as if i really spend time with them and they are something other than a script. and, to be fair, that show (and parenthood!) is the best show ever.

i could take a moment here to discuss my thoughts on the new season of teen mom and the fact that dustin from rrlv is totally effed up in the head because of his stint as a boy on boy porn star, but i won't. i feel as if i have already said too much.

i am feeling a lot more like myself today. i actually spent the morning laughing and playing and none of my feelings were forced in any way. and that is saying a lot because chunky decided that sleep was for bitches last night and that neither her father or i are bitches. don't worry, you'll get it. i cleaned the house, bought some red wine, turned some of that red wine into an amazing sketti sauce, and now it is time to tune into our television friends to see if their days were okay, too.

i love my g rated life. goodnight.

day 5 (ish) meh edition

this afternoon the kids and i finished up our shopping trip and i asked ge if i could have his hand to walk through the parking lot and he spent the following 20 minutes lecturing me because "we don't have people's hands, we hold them." and no, i did not teach him that. 

today has been rough. last night i didn't sleep; i had an incredibly weird out of body experience every time i came close to falling asleep. last night i could hear and sense everything going on around me, but my body would never let me fully fall to sleep. to say i am exhausted is an understatement. the zoloft detox has me in a bit of a depression funk today, to say the least, but i powered through and spent quality time with ge playing ring around the rosie and we laughed and laughed every time we all fell down. if it weren't for my amazing family i don't know if i could make it through everything going on right now.

living in a phillie swamp-like weather has not helped boost my mood as it is muggy and hot right now. yes, it may seem like i complain a lot, but it is seriously muggy right now. our home has no ceiling fans and ventilation is for not, so i am sending the husband to buy a fan tomorrow so we can get a bit of relief. 

the most important thing to me right now is a reminder that this too shall pass. and i know it will. 

a good excuse becomes a simple reason

i really wanted to edit and post my pictures of our wonderful easter and include a story or two, but instead i woke up with an abscessed tooth, spent the afternoon at urgent care, and have been battling the crazy heat along with a wonderful bout of extreme nausea. typing words is making my stomach churn even more. this. is. lame.

and in all honesty i am currently detoxing from zoloft (have been for 4 days now) and it is absolutely horrible. the zaps are miserable, the constant sickness, debilitating depression, hot / cold spells, headache, numbness, tears, and all of the other evils that come with withdrawal. i would have never, never, gone on zoloft if someone explained to me that when i got off of it i would literally go through withdrawals; it's horrible. i could write a p.s.a. about the evils of that effing drug, but i have to go throw up, again.

so yes, the last four days have been horrible. easter was wonderful and my family is amazing, but i have been in the heat of a losing battle and it doesn't really feel like it is getting any better. i read that zoloft detox takes a week or a few months. and i wouldn't have gone off of it, but i literally was becoming alarmingly suicidal and it took me sitting down after a long crazy conversation with my sister to realize that something was going on in my brain that wasn't healthy. and so, as a grown ass adult who needs to reach in and find her coping skills, i got off of that drug and am going to learn to manage my anxiety and my ocd the old fashioned way ... by sucking it up.

after suffering postpartum depression with my son i welcomed in the damb drug with open arms when my obgyn gave me a prescript when my daughter was born. and it helped for a while. but after getting my dose upped to 150 mg things started to get out of control. i didn't even realize that i was spending most of my days deep in thoughts of horrible things i could do to myself and it never really occurred to me that something was wrong with that. and looking back on it the longer i took zoloft the more depressed i became and that is what made me decide i needed more and so on. the effing drug is a vicious cycle with no rinse option.

and yes, maybe this is a little bit of blog t.m.i., but maybe someone will read this and they will understand my message - zoloft is teh evils. i would have told you different a few months ago, but i was wrong. very wrong. and ytf don't doctors tell you that when you go off of it you will literally go insane(r)? my heart beat is completely irregular right now and the doctor at urgent care just said, "yep, going off that drug is really hard." i feel like doctors should tell you that you will have to go through all of these things, because i never would have gone on it. if my doctor would have said, "well, it's going to help balance your hormones out after the pregnancy, but eventually it will make you incredibly depressed and you will think that suicide is a great option. and then, when you realize that that is in no way healthy because the person that is inside of you that isn't on crazy drugs loves her life and definitely wants to live, you will get off of it and horrible things will happen to you. you will be sitting on the couch and it will feel like someone literally shocked your brain and then you will feel dizzy and then you will spend an entire morning crying for no reason and feel a sadness that is heavier than any blanket you have ever felt. here, take this pill." i would have been forced to punch my doctor and tell him / her abso-fracking-lutely not. and, are you freaking stupid? no one should feel any of those things.

and there you have it. if that doesn't fit the april theme of "sprout" for nablopomo, i don't know what does. i am sprouting back to myself. i am remembering, again, that i don't need all the crazy stuff and i just need to be surrounded by the wonderful people i love. life has its hard moments, but looking back on all of it i am thrilled to be here today. and, ask anyone who knows me, i can be drama.

please send my tooth infection negative thoughts and tell it you don't want it around me anymore. make it feel really bad about itself because it is killing me. 4 more days of antibiotics and hopefully only a few more days of withdrawal. i told the husband tonight that i do feel like i am going to come out of this in a few days and i will feel like me again. the real me that isn't completely insane. the drama me, but not the drama me that bawls all night and says horrible things i really don't feel. i miss me. i miss my own brain and my own feelings and not being a blue robot.

remember, kids, just say no to drugs. all of them.