the sickness.

the today show is the background noise to my mornings. i never really liked it until the last year, but it does a good job of giving me a bit of news, ridiculous pieces to keep me ranting and awake, and a nice solid chance to make fun of ann curry for her horrible fashion choices and her inability to do an interview with absolutely anybody. the way she touches people and the tone of her voice make me so uncomfortable. and, to be honest, i just assume matt lauer is the biggest prick off camera. my mom loves him and i just don't get it. i miss meredith. 

anywho, this morning their concert series pick is chris brown. okay, whatever. i wouldn't put him on my show, but what bothers me more is the droves of women, and their many young daughters, that are in the audience celebrating this guy and his shit ass music. i just want to grab them all by the shoulders and scream, "you know he beat the crap out of his girlfriend, right? and as women we shouldn't really scream and cheer for someone like that, right? RIGHT!?" taking abuse is a fracking sickness and we seem to allow it in our culture without even thinking twice. i have been abused and it is awful. i see people like chris brown getting off on the fame that he has and i wish him nothing but the worst in life. there is no repentance, there should be no fame after that. and, just so you know, the same goes for women abusers, too. don't even get me started on the fact that i heard there are men sending casey anthony money in prison. that is disgusting. 

and, by the way, chris brown has still been running all over the place slinging homophobic slurs and hatred on his douche bag tour of daily celebrity status. you may like a persons music, but we need to learn to turn on back on people that make bad life decisions. our nation needs to go to the betty ford clinic to figure out how to stop enabling celebrities. i am just so tired of it. 

chunk didn't sleep last night. no, that's not why i am pissy (i would have been anyway), but still - she is evil. she is crawling and cruising and getting into absolutely everything she can. i think that her brain is spinning in over drive trying to figure out how to walk and that is resulting in only stress inducing insanity moments for me. she is just so intense right now and she refuses to sleep. i have had 5 hours of sleep in 2 days and today is house cleaning day and i am starting to look at the walls of my home as if they are made from the worst things this world has to offer. like chris brown is pictured in every corner of my home. ugh. the sickness. 

on a positive note ge is still cute. and he is trying really hard to help me with chunk. i decided to start walking at night and i feel so much better. the last 2 nights the moon has been beautiful and full. wednesday i walked 4 and a half miles and listened to american gods by neil gaiman, last night i walked about 4 and a half miles again while listening to mumford and sons, kings of leon, and hanggai. there is a route that is a steady climb up a hill right by the golf course and i am enjoying the pain it is putting into my legs. i feel so much better getting out of the house again. i make dinner, do the dishes, and then push myself out the door. once i am in the cool of the night my ipod starts dripping sweet voices into my step and i propelled forward into a healthier and happier me. good things. 

food!

This weekend I decided to have an indoor picnick. Well, actually, I decided to make potato salad and (baked) fried chicken and pretend like it wasn’t completely bad for me. Somehow rationalizing that meal with the thought of a checkered table cloth made enjoyment possible. That and I have already blown my diet up completely the last few weeks because of reasons that would make most men go all “ewww gross, don’t talk about that very natural thing that happens with women because we are children.” Yeah, who would have known that after I stopped breastfeeding (we made it 9 months, WOOT!) my body would decide that I needed 2 months worth of a reminder of what I had missed during my pregnancy and my awesome food making body time. To say I am angry and over it is an understatement. 

But I digress. 

Potato Salad is delicious. I love mayo, I love potatoes, I love onions and eggs and indulging. I adapted my own take on a very good recipe by Ina Garten.

3 ish lbs red potatoes
1 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup buttermilk
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard

2 tablespoons whole-grain mustard
1/2 cup chopped fresh dill
Salt and Peppah
1/2 cup chopped celery
3/4 cup chopped red onion
6 Hard boiled eggs

Place the potatoes along with some salt in a large pot of water. I like to add a bit (like a tbs or 2) of apple cider vinegar because I am convinced it makes them mo bettah. Boil the potatoes until you are happy with them (I personally like mine a little mooshy, but you might not). This should all take about 15 – 20 minutes. Pierce them with a fork to check for doneness.

Meanwhile, in a small bowl, whisk together the mayonnaise, buttermilk, Dijon mustard, whole grain mustard, dill, 1 teaspoon of salt, and 1 teaspoon of peppah. Set aside.

When the potatoes are cool enough to handle, cut them into a size that fits your potato salad needs. Place the cut potatoes in a large bowl. While the potatoes are still warm, pour enough dressing over them to moisten. Add the celery and red onion, and chopped up eggs. Salt and Peppah to taste. Toss well, cover, and refrigerate for a few hours to allow the flavors to blend. Serve cold or at room temperature.

I served this delicious potato salad with The Neely’s Buttermilk Baked Chicken. The only changes I made to the chicken recipe were that I used bone-in split breasts (they were huge, juicy, and delicious! I am not much of a chicken pieces kind of person and I hate dark meat), I soaked them in a buttermilk mixture for 24 hours, and I added some extra spices to the cornflake / cheese mixture. This chicken turned out so dang delicious. I had never soaked chicken in buttermilk before and now I will do it as often as possible. The husband liked this chicken more than he likes my roasted chicken, which is a lot. Like, a whole lot. Faboosh.

over-drive

i am currently, for the first time ever, in the middle of watching every wonderful episode of grey's anatomy; it plays daily on lifetime and i have to often ask myself why in the world i never watched it before. and i go to thank the god's of television for women for bringing this to me and then a commercial for "dance mom's" come on and i am left with a very - bad! bad lifetime! kind of feeling.

if you don't know what i am talking about, be disgusted over here

i love reality tv. i love the jersey shore. i am all for trashy people getting drunk and making stupid decisions for the benefit of my amusement. i am all for those things because they are completely mindless shows in a life full of stress. i watch a lot of really bad television and i refuse to apologize for that. but dance mom's!? dance freaking moms!?!?! these women are horrible mothers. awful. to make money off of watching some nasty bitch scream at your kids is beyond bad parenting. it is bottom barrel scum sucking bad. i get that kids need encouragement and if they want to be dancers they need training, but there are dance coaches out there that can actually dance with your kids and won't be all screamy nasty mean face bitch like. gar. besides - kids don't belong on reality tv. assholes.

i hold the same issue with toddlers and tiaras, but on a grander scale. those women should be locked up and their adorable little brats should be retrained to know that 3 year olds shouldn't be drinking red bull so mommy can live out her twisted fantasy of being miss america. to me it really appears as if those crazy mothers want their daughters to grow up to be scantily clad head fucks, because that's where they are headed. little girls shouldn't be booty dancing in short shorts in front of a panel of judges for a cash prize of a thousand dollars - that's called stripping. and no, your 2 year old didn't want to to pageants, you did. and now your 8 year old thinks that the only thing that matters about her is her divatude, her trophies, and her ability to pull off showing her spray tan by showing as much skin as possible. you don't deserve children, ladies. hell, you don't even deserve a puppy.

i look at chunk and the thought of doing anything like that to her makes me physically ill. we are over-sexing our little girls at younger and younger ages. i never thought i would be such a prude, but i am. i want my baby daughter to be a baby, and then a little girl (a loooong stretch of that), and then a teenager. i want her to be innocent and adorable for as long as possible. i never want her to be one of those little girls i see walking around the mall in clothes that are barely fit for a night club. seriously! where the fuck are their parents!? how do you let your 12 year old wear a miniskirt? how do you look at that little girl and say, yep! you look like every skeavy guy in the mall is going to look at you like a tiger looks at a steak - good for you! have fun with your friends! NO. bad parents. BAD.

i know i won't be able to keep her from the grips of the katy perry's, keshas, and lady gaga's, but i will teach my daughter that not looking like them is more about self respect. i think that a lot of american's are obsessed with the royal couple right now because they are a refreshing change of pace from the "role models" our children have. that cathrine is a beautiful young woman with such grace and class. that is the kind of young lady i would love chunk to be. i would love for her to know that she can be beautiful without showing every inch of her skin. i would love for her to know that, as a female, she has more power in her mind than in her body. i would love for her to respect herself and have pride. i know that there is a lot going against me, but i am hoping just being honest with her and always talking with her will help her understand why i don't think that strapping on a meat suit and / or singing about one night stands in high school and / or just selling off any amount of self respect you have for a dollar are good options.

and as i finish this female centered post i look up into my tabs and the story i am in the middle of reading is "michele bachmann leads iowa race" and suddenly i think - mebbe meat suits have their good qualities. ugh.

tell us what we want, we'll believe it

ge switched from watching nick jr to sprout tv. i would explain why, but the title of that blog would be more like, "every single cable company out there will fuck you over, so just choose the one that costs the least and quit your bitching." or, something like that. sprout tv is different from nick jr because they have active commercials geared towards reducing the amount of money in my bank account. ge's current favorite is for aquafresh toothpaste. the commercial has little happy toothpaste thingies dancing all around in their red, white, and blue toothpaste attitude glory. and so yesterday i bought it for him, because i am the type of mom who buys her child a lot of the things he desires and, well, it's toothpaste. if that breaks the bank we are screwed.

last night when we went to brush his teeth i was super excited to see if he loved his new toothpaste, but he told me that we were not to use the new toothpaste. we are not to break into the new toothpaste until his old toothpaste is completely gone. some days i think ge is just like me, yesterday he was not.

today i opened up his new toothpaste because i personally cannot leave new things wrapped for more than, oh, a second. the toothpaste smells like bubble gum happiness and when i asked him to smell it he smiled, sniffed the delicious scent and exclaimed,

"it smells like happy toothpaste!"

and all this time our old toothpaste was an angry dick. lame.

no blog til sleeping

i know that i have been seriously lagging on my blog updates as of late, but i have a really good excuse :

having two kids this age is freaking hard.

i wrote up a post last weekend, but i never got around to finishing it and now it is just sitting in draft status all lonely without it's ending paragraph(s). i was going to finish it, but chunk is a lighting quick crawler, and also a 3 am riser, and by the time they go to bed i am so exhausted that i can no longer form sentences. hell, i can barely move my fingers by 8 oclock. but i do, because that's when i make dinner. and then dishes. and by 9 it is finally time for me to sit down and blogging sounds stupid. stupid, stupid, stupid.

the kids are driving me crazy doing great! chunk is a crawler, and is working on being a stander as well. the other day she stood up on her own by pushing off a teeny box and i thought it was going to go really badly, but by the time i got around to almost intervening she was safely down on her bum and she still had all of her eyes and toes. ge is insane and 3. he is really, really good at being 3. we have had a lot of activities for him lately to keep him busy and it seems to help him from not going crazy and speaking in tongues. they are both playing in ge's room happily together these days, which helps me do things like vacuum and make sure that the dishes we own aren't covered in gross. their ages may be hard at the moment, but i know in the next few months it will get a bit more easy.

the husband, the amazing husband, killed his fiscal year end at work and had a real live smile on his face when he came home from yet another 14 hour day at work last night. he threw himself into making june his month and he succeeded. we miss him, though, and i am so happy he is home for a 3 day weekend. we are going to go to the farmer's market, light of some cheap fireworks, and have a movie night with ge. should be a wonderful weekend. plus, backup! huzzah for backup!

i am going to try and blog more in july. i keep this blog for my kids so i really want to stay more updated on it. eventually a lot of the entries will make their way into book form so i can tell my children how awful wonderful and fun they were when they were little. time really does fly by with kids and this here word thingie helps me slow down and remember all of the moments we have.

no need to convince me

i don't need the excruciating 24 hours of labor followed by an emergency c-section to convince me that ge is my son because this morning he said this :

"mom, butter is my best food."

fact.

captain control

have i mentioned before that my 3 year old is controlling? well, he is. he is the leader of the bossy cow gang. the captain of control. the handler of all things decision. he has advanced far enough in his need to control all that is around him that he has decided it is he alone who decides people's favorite colors. mostly he has decided that he alone has the power to decide his daddy's favorite color. and so it often goes like this :

"what is daddy's favorite color?" "brown." "but daddy's favorite color is green." "no, it's brown. it can only be brown."

but a few weeks ago he shot out of left field and, for 48 hours, daddy's favorite color was green. i should mention that we talk about colors so much because ge loves to remind us that his favorite color is blue. blue is everything awesome. he will not take his vitamin unless it is blue. he likes to point out blue things and remind us that it is his favorite color. and he loves to remind me that green is my favorite color. that's right. i own green, perhaps he is just looking out for my best interests. he knows that daddy is my bitch. but i digress.

so for those 48 hours ge allowed his dad to make his own choices. did he love green? sure dad! develop a sense of control in this relationship because in 2 days time i am going to smack you down and remind you that i own your choices! me! and he did. and the conversation went a lot like this :

"look. this is green. and green is my favorite color!" (very seriously) "no, daddy, brown is your favorite color." "but, but, you said it was green." "nope, it's brown. brown is your favorite color."

and just like that, it was decided. and ge went back to micromanaging our personal choices and decisions. and he loves to remind us that it is he who decides.

it's like we always say - he is going to make some girl with low self esteem very happy one day, and then sad, and then happy again.

i am so not dad

the kids and i are playing in ge's room with his giant basket of balls. he decides to make a game of the activity. you have to put a hand on your head and then place the ball on your head so it rolls down a certain way. i do as he asks, but apparently i do it wrong because he scolds my actions and repeats the steps. i do it again, fail again, and an exacerbated ge takes the ball from me and says,

"mom, we're going to have to play another game because you're just not good at this one."

so far

11 : 27 am

chunk's 2nd meal of the day. the same apples she had yesterday - today she refuses to eat them. fickle baby. i think she just wanted to eat her fake cheetos.

i have already had this conversation - "look mom, i can lick my window!" "ugh, no, please don't lick your window." "why mom? i have an awesome tongue!"

1 of 2 baby naps has been taken. 1 lean cuisine has been quickly had for breakfast. dancing. singing. reading. toy box (a.k.a. my house) is .13% cleaned. this life is so far from glamorous.

i need a recipe for a low fat high delicious apple pie / cobbler thingie that can satiate my need for a pie without giving me 40% of the saturated fat i need for the day. i don't even like sweet things that much, but dieting is killing me and for some reason i think i want all the cookies and cake in the world. i don't. i really don't think i do. i just need to know that they still exist.

9 months of chunk

Little Charli, 

I can’t believe you are 9 months old. I can’t believe that time has gone as quickly as it has, and I am still pretty angry that I can’t seem to slow it down. I am terrified that I am going to wake up tomorrow and you are going to be 18 with a boyfriend I hate and an attitude matched to yours right now – an attitude that I have now named divatude. You are just sooo opinionated. Most of the time you are screaming because you want to go play in your brother’s room, you love playing with him and all of his cool big kid toys. The two of you have really developed a relationship over the last week. Yesterday you sat in his room and watched Sesame Street and played his drum while he draped you in blankets; I could hear the two of you giggling and it brought tears to my eyes. I know I have said it before, but that little boy loves you, and I know he always will.

You love your Eggo Waffles for breakfast, a fruit or veggie puree for lunch, and a cereal for dinner. You, my beautiful little girl, are a creature of habit. Long nap in the morning, short nap mid afternoon, and bath and bed at 8; you will not let your dad put you down for a nap and you hate when I try and put you down at night. See? Opinionated. You almost always have a smile when you are being talked to, even if it is a stranger that is shoving their face in yours, which happens a lot. You and your brother get so much attention that it drives me crazy sometimes, especially when we are in a hurry. Little old ladies just flock to touch your fat little feet and tell me what a precious little girl you are – and they are right.

This week you started clapping, and what I love most about that is that you started clapping for two reasons. The first reason is, “yaaaaaay!” as in, “mom! I touched this button and my kitchen light went on and it is singing me songs now – yaaaaaay!” The second reason is, “now!” as in, “mom! I am on the ground and I don’t know words but pick me up now or I will throw a tantrum!” Both of these reasons are wonderful and delightful and you always have a smile on your face while you are clapping. Poor little girl, you are still stuck in reverse, but you can stand by yourself while holding things and you can get to sitting from crawl. You want to be mobile so badly, but you just can’t figure it out. Honestly, I am so sick of getting screamed at, and my arms are so tired from carrying your giant babyness around, that I too hope you figure it out soon. I thought I was going to be nervous about you walking, but really I think I want you to as much as you do.

I hear the words, “that’s a healthy baby” a lot. And you are. You are a giant, happy, and healthy baby. You are wearing clothes that your brother fit into last year. We visited your doctor today and he said my favorite thing to hear from a doctor, “She’s perfect. Keep doing what you’re doing.” The nurse measured your head while you were lying on the table and went to measure it again thinking that she must have got the measurement wrong, I laughed and said, “nope, she just has a giant head like her Dad.” It’s true, you also have his love for cheese, his allergy to the sun (you sneeze every time you see the sun), and his amazing smile. Your 9 months stats are – weight : 21.8 pounds (90%) height : 28.5 inches (93%) head : 19.25 inches (97%!).

You may have a giant head, you may scream at me in demanding ways, you may take poops that literally overflow your diaper and lead me to cleaning the carpets, and you may make crazy growling noises at me, but you are beautiful and you are life changing and you and your brother have been the most amazing blessings I have had in my entire life. You keep us all laughing and when you are in that moment, claiming the center of attention that you and your brother fight for, you clap your hands and look up at us with those big blue eyes and we would do anything in the world for you. You constantly amaze me and fill me with pride and love and unicorns and rainbows. Our tagline for you is, “I’m Charli and I’m just happy to be here” because when you are happy, you are just sooo happy. We are all just happy you are here, too. Thank you for an amazing nine months, I can’t wait to see where you go next.

Love,

Mama

all the noise, noise, noise, noise

something about it being hotter outside makes me not able to blog. that and the screaming 9 month old that won't let me put or her down. the same one that thinks i am an idiot for not understanding what she needs when she throws up her divatude every 120 seconds. she is so the opposite of ge, who was a nice baby.

we had a wonderful father's day weekend. we celebrated the weekend by doing a lot of nothing. saturday the husband took the kids off of my hands so i could spend 7 hours cleaning the house. hoorah! yesterday the husband got his presents and ge unwrapped them all, telling him what he was getting as the process went down. ge doesn't necessarily understand the word "surprise". books, a tie, comfy shorts, an i <3 my baby daddy cross stitch, and a "world's coolest dad" shirt courtesy of walmart - quite possibly the coolest shirt you could ever get for $5.64. the husband loved all of it, and he loved his day. we left the house to buy beer and steaks and then spent the remainder running around like crazy people playing basketball in ge's room and laughing until our sides hurt. we could have been a hallmark television special yesterday.

and now it is monday. and chunk woke up screaming at 4:30 and has a belly ache and my hallmark special has just turned into some sad indie flick or something like a horror film, but without that creepy doctor that you think you could trust but it turns out he is murdering everyone in the town and that crazy guy down the street knows, but you didn't believe him and now, well now it may be too late. something like that. i am praying to mark wahlberg that we are going to have a better week than last week, which sucked. hard.

it's funny, i had this post all written up about how everything had been so stressy and i finally felt like i was getting on top of this whole 2 demanding kids and 1 dirty house day in and day out thing and they saw me relaxing a bit and pulled the rug out from underneath my feet. being a stay at home mom can be so difficult sometimes. my bosses are unreasonable and they scream at me for no reason. and one of them doesn't even know words and she is the one that screams at me the most. i am hoping that we pass this little block in the road soon because it might turn into a movie a lot more like girl interrupted.

firsts

today i was inaugurated into a very special parental club. the kind of parental club where other parents who have experienced this situation look at you with pity, and the ones who haven't look at you with concern / disgust / judgyness. ge gave me the chance to carry him out of the zoo, kicking and screaming, all while i tried to hold my smile on my face and not breakdown due to the overwhelming sense of embarrassment that i felt. oh, the fun you can have on a tuesday morning.

this all began as innocent as could be. an hour and someish into our zoo experience we had seen most of the animals, played at the park, laughed and had fun. over by the wood turtle that you can stick your head into to pretend to be a turtle, something that ge loves to do, i asked him to put his head in and we would take a picture for daddy. ge said no, with a smile. and so, i though, this would be a good time to offer him some ice cream in return for his smile. bad idea. worst. idea. ever.

this is the point in the day when my beautiful, cheerful little boy turned into a demonic, evil little monster child that decided to scream, and scream, and scream some more. no, he would not be taking that picture, but yes, he wanted that ice cream. and what do you mean that i don't get everything i want and don't get to act out like a crazy person when i don't get it. so he became stuck next to that turtle. screaming and carrying on and being completely unreasonable. he didn't want me to leave the turtle, but he didn't want to do anything by it, either. and so i picked him up and carried him out. i also had to drag him by his hand a few times, and keep him from trying to push the stroller backwards. such fun! and it's only tuesday! other words!

we drove home, ge screaming the entire way, and when we got here he calmed. i took him directly upstairs, turned on sesame street, and walked away for some minutes so we could both think about the next move. i calmly walked into his room, sat on his bed, and we discussed the events. we both agreed that his behavior was unacceptable. we both agreed that mac and cheese would make for a delicious lunch and that we would try the zoo again another time. and as i got up to make his lunch, he wrapped his arms around me and told me he was sorry.

mom shoots. she scores. she wins the battle!! crowd goes wiillllllld!!

that moment confirmed to me that i am pretty good at this being a mom job. i never flipped out during the entire time. i stayed calm, i carried that embarrassment and that screaming ge with my head held high. when we got in the car i turned on music and i listened to that and drowned out the screams. i never folded. i never fought back. i taught him that his screams were ineffective and were not going to get me. and they didn't. and in that moment where he hugged me and said that sweet little apology, i was filled to the brim with pride for both myself, and for him. and i have to spot the kid, he can throw one hell of a tantrum.

acktivitees

today i found myself completely inspired by counting on me to make a list of new adventures that ge and i could go about accomplishing this summer. i tried to modify her list, but gave up after a while. her list was perfect for a toddler, and even for a normal child, but ge is anything but normal and he makes creating days incredibly difficult. i literally laughed out loud when i read the dress up in mom and dad's clothes idea. if i tried to get ge to play dress up he would slap me back down to size reality with a comment that would most surely be, "mom, those aren't my clothes. i am not a growed up. i won't put those clothes on. put dad's clothes back, mom"

but i love the idea. and i now have a resolution to create a new day and share an activity with ge for four of the five days that we share while daddy is at work. i would say five, but mama needs her cleaning day and so does the house. and so, inspired me took the kids out for a walk to the river today. we are spoiled to live right next to the beauty that we do. i so often forgo taking advantage of being able to walk out of our door and be in the most beautiful area i have ever seen, and counting on me reminded me to stop shutting myself in. tomorrow we are getting up and heading to the zoo to visit the animals. one of these days i would like to pretend that i am crafty, again.

it's funny, i steal people's craft ideas at least once a week in hopes that i, too, might become a crafty person, but i am not. i know ge doesn't know, and is unable to judge me, but that is one of those chicky things i get down on myself for sometimes. i have such respect for you crafty women out there. ge is quickly getting better than me at all of that stuff and i am sure one day he is going to rip the glue gun out of my hand, bitch slap me, and tell me to step aside while he makes the crafts his bitch. you think that is crazy talk? spend five minutes with the kid ... you'll be scared of him, too.

schuykill river trail

 our personal clover field

 ge's favorite stream

holy crap!

dear diary,

charli slept until 9 am this morning. i don't know who to thank, but i am so incredibly thankful.

love,

kerry

today was the day

every once in a while one of those days comes along that redefines perfection - today was that day for my little family. the last 3 + weeks we have been in a funk. my cooking has suffered, husband's work has suffered, the kids have been miserable in the heat; it just hasn't be noteworthy in so long that i think we started to give up. and today, today we didn't even try to turn it around, but it naturally fell into place and today i am so grateful, because i needed that ... we needed that.

the kids loved the phillies game. when we first got there it started to rain, heavy rain, but the clouds parted and our seats stayed dry. ge was worried at first, but he quickly warmed when the players and the sun came out. we got a game, a good game. we left during the top of the 7th after the score reached 4 - 1, phillies. a perfect time to leave because when we came home the kids were bathed and happily put to bed and the husband and i ordered ufc 131.  (phillies over cubs, 7 - 1 in the end.)

my husband and i, we work together for so many reasons. the most important, and cliche reason, is that we are best friends. we are, best friends. we share passions, and when we don't we remain involved no matter what. we share a love for ufc and it energizes us and brings us to a great place. tonight we were not going to order the fights, but we did, and we made the right decision. tonight has been nothing but conversation and smiles and my jaw bones are sore from the happiness that today has brought. this has been one of those days where i feel lucky, and these days are the moments i carry because i know we will always be back here no matter what.

this is the day i have needed for weeks. today makes all of the previous day's tears worth it. this life, this life is beautiful. i thank my husband and my kids. i thank my family. i thank the east coast. i thank my sister, my friends, my mother, and every good person i have had the opportunity to meet. i thank the bad times, because without them, i would have never known good. i am just thankful.

cheesy? yes. but i would write it again, and again.

and then there was loud

her royal fatness, princess of cupcakes  has decided that she doesn't want to be my sweet little baby any longer. she has decided that she would like to scream at me, often. the poor girl is teething, angry at the heat, and stuck in reverse. she wants to be on the floor so badly to crawl, but winds up pushing herself backwards every time and having a nervous freaking breakdown because she cannot figure out how to move forward. i never had this problem with ge; his problems were always solvable. he never just sat and screamed at me.

i feel bad for the chunkers, but it is honestly stressful to be screamed at and not know how to fix it. even when ge teethed he just wanted a cuddle and would stop screaming. i remember this being a tough age for ge in terms of becoming a toddler instead of a baby, but i don't remember it being this tough. and she is so big. carrying around a 26 pound sack of angry baby potatoes that screams at you while it's hotter than hell outside is not my idea of a fun day, but it seems to be the norm this week. my arms hurt, i am super tired, and obviously i am super complainey. i think if chunk was my mom i would probably be screaming at her, too.

turkey meatloaf goodness

i know that what i am about to tell you to cook immediately may sound crazy, but seriously ... put it into the oven for dinner, soon. kids will love it, grandma's will love it, people who love meatloaf so much that they would cry for it (that's me!) but want to be healthy will LOVE it! adapted as a hybrid of my grandma's meatloaf (my fav) and this recipe.

2 lbs ground turkey
1 box o' stove top (unprepared)
1 egg white, one whole egg
1 cup chicken broth
1/2 packet meatloaf seasoning
splash (about an 1/8 cup) of milk
minced garlick (i like a lot, you might not!)
1/4 to 1/2 an onion, chopped up all nice like
salt, pepper

mix that all together, divide it up into a muffin pan that has been sprayed with non stick goodness.

wait, we're not done!

in a separate, much smaller bowl, mix up :

1/4 cup ketchup
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp dried mustard
3 tbs brown sugar

put about a spoonful of this delicious, harvene-ish, mixture on the top of each cup of meat and cook them at 350° until your thermo-meter tells you the insides have reached 165° (which took about 25 minutes in my oven)

i paired these little meat lovies with some blue cheese mashed potatoes (yukon gold potatoes, skin on [i cook mine in half broth, half water.] cut them up, cook them until they are soft. drain, return to pan to cook off some of that water. butter, fat free cream, 4 ounces of blue cheese, and a hand masher = yum!)

my husband seriously said, "i can't wait until you make these again next week!" slow down, bossy husband. slow down!

the nice thing about these is that they are adaptable to different flavors. sage stove top + marinara sauce topping would probably be all sorts of awesome and win. cornbread stove top + jalapenos + i am still thinking of a sauce = delicious! they really are good.

cup of meat cheers!!

so all over the board

* I have been trying to write this blog for 2 days and am pretty much failing miserably. I have been so busy with the kids during the day and the Husband and I have been enjoying each other's company and a bit of relaxation teevee during the night. And I make no promises for finishing this because the heat is rising back here on el east coast and I am so not built for heat. Maybe speed, but most definitely not heat.

Last night my 3 year old chastised me for not getting around to scrubbing the toilets. This after a long day of unpacking, grocery shopping, and jumping in to what will be a week long cleanse of our home. My Husband looked at me and said, "did he just tell you to clean his toilet?" And I wanted to say I am surprised, but that sums up Ge; he isn't doing it to be an ass, but he honestly cares about the clean and he knows that I am the one who gets it done. And, like I say, if the Bossy Cows were a gang, Ge would be their fearless leader.

Conversation with Ge go a lot like this lately,

Ge - Do such and such thing or give me such or such thing

Me - I can't hear you

Ge - Do such and such or give such and such, please

Me - Good, now say it all together

Ge - Mom, pllleeeeaaaase can you blah blah blah?

And there is always a thank you. He loves to get underneath my feet, almost tripping me, and then say excuse me so he can be a polite little annoyance. He still eats like crap, but he is getting better with choices. He refuses to drink water, which worries me because it's getting ridiculous amounts of hot back here. He is still so little. To put his size in perspective he is 3 and a half and is 28 pounds - his sister is 26 pounds at 9 months. At 9 months ge only weighed 18 lbs.

Chunk and Ge are such different little kids so far. Ge was independent even as a baby. He crawled early and talked late. He loved his alone time in his room and with his toys from the word go. He was thoughtful and payed attention to everything going on around him. Ge was a shy baby and didn't like anyone to talk to him that he didn't know even then. Chunk is needy, she is so dramatic and emotional, she will smile for strangers, and she is just barely starting to try to crawl. Chunk wants to be carried all day long, which is nice because I am looking for ways to work out and lunges with a 26 pound baby seem helpful.

We are headed into a 3 day heat up back east and I can already feel myself getting all cranky and complainy. The heat and I don't get along. I think that 70 is hot, so heat indexes of 105 + are just unbearable. I know that I am supposed to be grateful because our weather could be worse, but I am too hot to be compassionate and I reserve the right to be a whiny bitch whenever I please. Plus, we are suppose to go to the Phillies game Saturday and now they are calling for rain. Nature is screwing with all of us. I blame Anthony Weiner.

gear shift

i lost another friend to suicide today, a good friend. i honestly cannot count the amount of friends i have lost to suicide on my fingers any longer, and there have been so many that i know i am missing some. as a person who struggles with depression i understand that it can be debilitating, but please get help if you are having issues. there are friends and family members to be thought of. yes, suicide might be an easy way out, but you leave a wake in the path of your self destruction that cannot be calmed. you may feel lost in the moment, but i promise that you are loved.

there are so many things that i will remember about my friend, but the thing that keeps popping into my brain today is the sweet gesture he made sending my little ge a pair of awesome swedish brown boots because he thought he would like them. they are my absolute favorite shoes ge has ever owned, and i look forward to putting chunk in them as well, and remembering my friend that was so gracious to send them with love. brandon was always there for me no matter what time of day it was and we spent many times of day talking. i have had him as a solid friend for so long and i will miss his big smile and his big heart. my utah friends are broken today with his loss, and we all share a sadness due to his absence.

i am sorry that he had to feel so much pain that he thought the only option was to take his life. i am sorry that he couldn't reach out and let someone else take the pain from his shoulders so we could still have him here today. i am sorry that he couldn't see inside of his own soul to realize the beauty it put out. he will always have a soft spot in my heart and i will always remember him fondly as a true friend.

rest in peace, brandon. i hope that the calm after the storm is as peaceful as i believe it to be. i will miss you. thank you for a gift that will keep on giving me a memory of you on the feet of my precious little children. love.

on ode to the girls

i am babysitting my sister's dogs currently. they are all females, a bit on the neurotic side, and super sweet with my kids. they are a good reminder that although i think puppies are cute and i want to bring them all home, the husband and i are in no way ready for a dog. we keep wanting to buy one because we love them, but wow ... kids are enough responsibility.

as a tribute to the dogs i have written a song for them. step back, beyonce, my lyrical stylings are about to get all up in your business. check it :

all my doggie ladies, all my doggie ladies

all my doggie ladies, all my doggie ladies

all my doggie ladies, all my doggie ladies

all my doggie ladies

now put you paws up, paws up

stuck in the house, we can't get out, 

we're doing our own doggie thing

decided to chew, because we miss you

when you're out of the house

we're up on here, we're up on there

don't pay rules any attention

we bark and howl, while you are out

ya can't be mad at us

cause if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it

if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it

don't be mad when you see our pee on it

if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it

roof roof roof, 

roof roof roof roof 

roof roof 

roof roof roof 

roof roof roof, 

roof roof roof roof 

roof roof 

roof roof roof

if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it

if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it

don't be mad when you see our pee on it

if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it

we got pee on the floor, an unopen door

keeps us inside doing our business

throwing up, colorful junk

on the couches and carpet

oh and did we mention, we want bacon

and some love and affection

will you please come home, we're tired of being alone

we want scratches and some fresh water

cause if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it

if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it

don't be mad when you see our pee on it

if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it

roof roof roof, 

roof roof roof roof 

roof roof 

roof roof roof 

roof roof roof, 

roof roof roof roof 

roof roof 

roof roof roof

if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it

if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it

don't be mad when you see our pee on it

if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it

roof roof roof, 

roof roof roof roof 

roof roof 

roof roof roof 

roof roof roof, 

roof roof roof roof 

roof roof 

roof roof roof

please don't be mad when we poo on the floor

it's just that damn closed door

opposable thumbs we'd prefer, what we deserve

your shoes are delicous, don't leave us

and get angry and unhappy when we chew them all up

pull us on to your lap, give our heads a soft pat 

if you don't, we'll all be bad, and chewing mayhem, will be had

all my doggie ladies, all my doggie ladies

all my doggie ladies, all my doggie ladies

now put your paws up, paws up! 

roof roof roof

please send ice

you know what is hard? finding the motivation to blog when it is hot and humid. also difficult, not turning on the air conditioning. i have made myself a promise that i will delay turning on the air conditioning for as long as possible this summer because i absolutely do not enjoy the rape like bills that peco sends me for our old ass air conditioner and its constant state of on. seriously, i almost threw up last year when i got our first bill, but we maintained the condition of the air being cold because i was pregnant, and i get grumpy when i am pregnant. very. easily. i purchased a 17 dollar fan from target that seems to be helping, but still ... being on a grown up budget is hard. and it sucks.

the kids were absolutely horrible demons today. poor chunk is growing in her two top teeth and ge is 3. ge is 3 a lot, and chunk's teeth never seem to stop growing in. i am glad that peco can't charge me for this because i am sure that budget billing would not cover it at all. this business of being alive is incredibly expensive.

chunk-a-tron is a rolling fool around our house. she can scoot backwards, readjust her turn to move in a new direction, and she is trying really hard to manipulate those fat little knees of hers to stay up. she is an absolutely hilarious and sweet little baby. her papa loved my, "hold my closer sloppy kisser" song, because she loves to just latch on to any piece of my skin she can find to show affection. my tag line for the chunk is, "i am just happy to be here." because she continues to just love being alive, and being around everyone that pays attention to her. i honestly cannot believe that she is 8 months old, and that she will soon be 1. time flies when you live in such a beautiful world.

ge is a talking, singing fool. tonight he was following me around the house screaming nonsense while i was on the phone with his aunt brook. i jokingly told him that he was a burden and he burst out into a laughter that lasted 10 minutes. he loves to be challenging. he will tell me, "mom, i am going to be frustrating now" and he does, and he will. i love that he challenges me, i love it most when he is asleep and i am relaxing - like now. he loves to paint, sing songs while he drums, tell me what to do, play mickey mouse friends with his dad, and go anywhere outside. he is such a help at the grocery store and takes such loving care of his little sister. ge has always been and remains and incredible blessing on my life.

the husband is stressed with work, but he is wonderful as always. i am so incredibly proud of the person he is and the husband he is. he keeps me laughing at my worst moments and is always there for us unconditionally. plus, he knows my favorite wines and my drink order from starbucks! how can you say anything bad about that?!

the feeling in my hands is starting to return, but that has been met with a lot of pain from the various injuries i seem to have sustained in the 4 weeks of numbness. i am starting to believe that the last month + of hardships were completely due to zoloft withdrawal. horrible, awful, zoloft withdrawals. i will never miss that drug.

it's hot. i am sure that there are other words i planned on typing, but a 17 dollar fan only blows so much ... just ask lloyd how much more 8 dollars could have gotten us.

i'm about to get list like up in here

first, with the teevee talk

• how awesome was house last night? i felt like the sick person story was a little draggy and ridiculous, but she paralleled house well and i absolutely love that actresses voice. i hope that it wasn't a hallucination, because that would be like the billionth time they have done that and i totally love the car into house scene. win. 
• i am still mourning the loss of how i met your mother for the season, but they went out with a good bang and i can spend my lame summer television months thinking that lily is happily pregnant. i told the husband as soon as it started that she was with alien life form. this season was a lot of sad so i was happy to see it end with so much happy. 
• i have never watched the biggest loser before, but i got hooked about half way through this season and i am loving it. i don't know what happens tonight, but i hope the best things happen to hannah. it really is amazing to watch  the transformations. 
• uhm, voice? yes? i love it and i got the husband hooked on it, too. i still think blake shelton is an absolute idiot for letting tyler robinson go, but i will move forward with the show trying to hold only a little grudge. the show really is the awesome and i am excited for it tonight. 
• and yes, glee. i love me some glee. i love me some over-the-top break outs into random song and ridiculous plot twists. you could judge me, but jesus said not to. so there. i am hoping they win nationals. i don't know if the writers will do that, but i would rather it not completely mimic the last season-ender. plus, if they lose nationals you know they will probably take it next year and the formula gets a bit boring. 
• how sucky is the end of good television!? i am super excited that we get so you think you can dance and next food network star soon. the closer is a huge summer time tee vee win for us, too. excuse me a minute while i go hug my television and tell it that i love it and i don't know how other people live without it. 

we had a really nice weekend with the paw-paw. there was mall time, park time, zoo time, play time, and a lot of food time. we had a bit of lemon with our scotch and water and we had a lot of good conversation. the weekend was so much fun that the husband and i actually felt like we got a bit of a vacation, too. i feel like such a parent because this weekend we bought our first season pass to a zoo, which is a big moment. turns out we have an adorable little zoo right by our house and ge really loved it. ge gets overwhelmed pretty easily and this is a perfect sized place for him to explore without getting stressed out. i look forward to getting to know the little animals at our zoo this summer. 

this weekend we get to see my sister and her family and they are going to take the little devils off of our hands for two hours so we can actually be grow-ups and go see the hangover two. i. are. excited!! i feel spoiled with all of this family time because my family is way cooler than yours. i mean, no offense, but i have to be biased. you would be biased, too.

laser envy

the kiddo's beloved paw-paw is in town and not only did he bring his love for entertaining our children, he brought a really cool blue laser with a super powerful beam. for his line of work he is the kind of person who needs super powerful laser beams, and as a proud relative i am the kind of person who just found out i love to play with super powerful laser beams. for instance: did you know that if you hold black paper up to said laser it will actually start on fire!? très bien!! also, playing with laser beams during the night time is a lot, and i mean a lot, of fun. i am probably not responsible enough to own one, nor could i legally buy one, but it was a lot of fun. 

last nights adventures in phosphor fun were a blast, and today brings more merriment as we head to the slides and later make some blue cheese burgers. i absolutely love the chance to spend time with family and watch the kids get some solid interaction with their grandfather. slides and books by day - science, mma, and politics by night. perfection!

my blood test results came back clean, which is good, but slightly annoying. i am almost positive i am going to have to move myself to a gluten free diet to see if that brings the feelings back into my hands. i miss having extremities that feel normal. right now i am either in excruciating pain, or numb. blah. perhaps i will make the month of july not only about our freedom, but my freedom from gluten. i am going to give the zoloft withdrawals the two more weeks necessary to finish off, too, before i make any major decisions. part of me was just really wishing the doctor would call back and give me a solid issue and solution. they never have before though, so i suppose i am not too surprised. 

off to play in the rain.

old mcdonald had a.d.d.

ham fried goodness

a few nights back i made a delicious stir fry that i placed over quinoa. at that time i had me an idea - i love ham fried rice, ham fried rice is not good for me, maybe if i made extra quinoa i could use that in the place of rice and conjure myself up a beautiful ham fried quinoa that gave me all of the protein and none of the guilt. turns out, yes! yes, i can.

and so, with my leftover quinoa, i designed a new and improved fried 'rice' that tastes absolutely amazing. if you are still trying to figure out if you are a quinoa person, but you love brown rice, you will never know the difference! choose your own vegetables, saute them along with some chicken or ham (i love ham!), add in some leftover quinoa ('round 8 or so minutes, all together), and cook it all over medium or so heat until they start to taste great. push all of that to the side and add in a few eggs, scrambled, and cook them until they are almost done, but still a bit runny. mix together. add in enough soy sauce that you feel good about yourself, and if you have it on hand (i always do) a bit of sesame oil really pushes this dish over the edge. get everyone in the pan acquainted, give your husband the evil eye, tell him it sucks, and eat it all yourself so you don't have to share.

delicious! healthy! and eaaassssyyyy.

my good idea turned out great. go me. :)

food inspiration

i became incredibly inspired about the munchkin's food choices today while catching up on meet the dubiens. looking through pages and pages of amazon goodies, i started thinking that mebbe it would be possible to move ge over to a gluten free diet for a while by turning his food into a lot of fun. the little bento boxes, cutters, shapers, and random container goodies could actually make him enjoy eating!

so, anyone just looking to send me random things for absolutely no reason, please feel free to consider the first 13 items on my amazon wish list. ;) otherwise i am sure i will start collecting these things on my own as i can. i need a game plan to commit to a multiple week gluten cleanse for our home and i just don't know exactly how to move forward with ge. i am hoping that i can put together an arsenal of ideas and recipes for when i begin to make sure that there is no slip ups along the way. i want to make it a commitment that i can succeed at.

spending the time to find all of these things has made me feel like i might be able to do the cleanse for him that i have known i need to do for a while. ge has always had tummy problems and i want to do whatever i can to help him, and a gluten free diet is most likely the next best step forward.

my thyroid ultrasound came back normal. blood tests should be in in the next few days. this morning i woke up with two giant burn blisters on my fingers and i was absolutely shocked. i can't believe that my hands are so numb these days that i couldn't even feel a burn bad enough to give me these blisters. even typing this i can't really feel my fingers connecting to the keys, unless the tingling kicks in for a moment and reminds me i still have fingers. i am so tired of all this. my anxiety and my depression have really ramped up the last few days; i am just so tired of feeling like crap.

many life changes coming soon. i am going to go all boy scout on them and earn my "bitch was super prepared for that!" badge. wish me luck!

maybe not, may

i wanted to be a diligent blogger this month, but i am just not feeling the every day right now. weekends are hard for me because i don't really want to be on the internet. yesterday we had craft morning, visited the local farm, made jalapeno burgers, and watched the social network (an awful movie! how people liked it was beyond us!) and there wasn't a minute in there that i felt like stepping away from that goodness to type. i want to suck up every minute i have on the weekends with my family.

plus, with family coming into town this week, and more family visit time at the end of this month; it's just not going to happen. so maybe not, may. maybe august. or maybe never. i am loving blogging and i don't want to burn myself out by forcing myself to write something every day. and with that, no more words today, just a picture that makes me mass schmappy.

thursday i'm in gloves

i tried to blog yesterday, i really did, but blogger decided to go on a sucking binge and break down for quite some time. i am glad it is back up and running. i am filled with anxiety today and blogging really calms that down for me.

one of my favorite "mommy tricks" i keep in my arsenal comes into play every thursday. thursday round here is toy box (that's what i call our home) cleaning day. normally chunk chooses thursday as the day she refuses to nap, and ge turns into a needy mess, and i am left pulling out my hair and scrubbing in between the madness. i love ge, and i love that he wants to help, but his idea of cleaning and my idea of cleaning are completely different. and so, a few months ago, i devised a plan to keep him occupied. i thought about drugging chunk to help her, but then i remember that is wrong. very, very, wrong.

i declared thursday to be craft day! brilliant mom! i wait until chunk's long nap (the one that is at least a half an hour) and i set ge up with a craft i can trust him to do on his own while i set about blasting the bathrooms with bleachy goodness. it is a win / win because ge loves it, and it is good for him, and my bathrooms finally smell good and become so fresh and so clean clean! i can normally fit both bathrooms into this time frame and then i cross my fingers and hope that this thursday will be the toy box cleaning day that chunk sleeps for at least an hour.

if not i can normally set her up in her chair to watch her brother be creative, and they are both happy with that option, while i work on whatever room they are currently in. i have learned the tricks of transportation and bribery to pull of a cleaning job that i can feel good about, which, on average, consumes about 6 of my hours during the day. oh, ocd, how i love thee.

and ge and i often keep an open dialog going so i can also try and have a teaching moment with him. i love the painting crafts because we can talk about colors, and which colors mix together to create other colors. he starts off creating little patchworks of color, but paints all find a way to mix together and eventually it is a gray / brown mess of color, but he is pleased because this is his work, and he still has enough innocence to be proud of himself.

and the kid is thorough and paints every space available. and my bathrooms are sparkling. and chunk is still a horrible beast, but we love her anyway. in the other rooms ge picks up and wipes things off as he helps me clean the rest of the house. thursday is process, an often stressful one, but i have eliminated a large chunk of that stress for myself an ge with craft time. plus, i have a lot of fun little things to keep from this time in his life.

my day had me

today has been a long day for so many reasons. i have really had to be on my a game the last 48 hours and last night the chunk-a-tron didn't really allot me the amount of sleep necessary for my a game. i occasionally felt like my game was a little more b minus today.

my long awaited internal medicine doctor's visit was today. friday i get a full blood panel workup and a throat ultrasound, but my doctor's first diagnosis is a "serious" thyroid condition and celiacs disease. celiacs doesn't concern me, because i have watched my sister kick ass at her gluten free life and i know that she will be there to give me advice and help me learn to cook, but i don't so much like the thyroid issues. no matter what i am ready to put the days of feeling awful behind me and hope that i can simply get a diagnosis and a path forward to feeling the best kerry that i can be.

right now america's next top model is on (go hannah!), there is a glass of wine to be drank, and silence to be enjoyed. and i am going to use these next minutes before i head off into slumber land to relax and reflect. cheers.

the struggle

the doctor's tell me i suffer from anxiety, agoraphobia, and extreme ocd. i tell myself, well, of course i do. i think we all struggle with something or another. i know a lot of beautiful people that all struggle with something. i have a lot of wonderful female friends that struggle with so many things each day and i am proud of all of them for so many reasons. it is easy to feel like you are your issues, and i have made a promise to myself, my kids, and my husband, that i will no longer let my struggles run my life. and so, instead of keeping my kids indoors this spring, i have decided to pick myself up and move us all out to explore our new stomping grounds. today was awesome. limerick, pa has an amazing park. and rather than tell my blog readers what an amazing time we had; i am going to let the pictures speak fro themselves.

tomorrow i urge you all to get out and do at least one thing that you don't want to do; especially if it is good for you. <3 and, if you read this little blog, please tell me what you did. i want to share these moments with my friends. <3