and then i fell asleep

i keep meaning to update my blog. there is so much to say about the little ones and i feel like i am going to forget all of these moments because there are just so many to remember. from ge saying things like the mini adult he is a chunk running around growling like a bear; there are just so many moments in our day i wish i could capture. but by the time i have a minute at the end of the day to sit down and update - i am completely asleep. gone to this world. last night i was asleep in bed by 8:45. i haven't seen 10:30 pm in weeks.

i love that chunk is walking by her first birthday because she is finally sleeping through the night, but i spend all day chasing her around the house screaming things like, "ahhh!" and "oh no!" and "please, for the love of mark wahlberg, don't do that!" because she is full of evil, that one. she has mastered the art of full body on the floor tantrums and will throw one if you don't allow her to take things out of the fridge when she sneaks in during food time. she also throws them when i don't let her eat paper, or crayons, or kittens. ok, maybe not kittens, but if we had one i would fear for its safety. she is so cute, and when she looks up at me with her big dimply smile and bright blue eyes i almost forget for a moment that she is trying to drive me mad. i often look at her and i pause for a moment just to take her in because she is the cutest thing i have ever laid eyes on - even if that means in those 2 seconds she has moved on to destroying my most prized possessions.

ge is 3 going on 40. we asked him to play trains the other day and he declined stating, "we will have to wait until charli goes down for a nap because she will wreck my trains and i will just freak out." true. oh. so. very. true. he is still, and always has been, the most responsible child in the world. he is the child that has every piece to every toy he has ever owned (which is a lot of toys) and is now becoming irritated by chunk's inability to maintain order and longevity in toys. he is so full of imagination and loves to tell stories. he can tell you the story of his day in roughly 5 minutes and will makes sure you understand every word of what he says. his favorite bed time book is cloudy with a chance of meatballs, and he insists you tell it in your normal voice and let him repeat his favorite moments. he loves to visit monuments around towns and have them explained to him so he can take them in for next time to be a mini tour guide of our beautiful area. we learned about canal locks yesterday and already this morning he has told me about water flow by our big river. he is a little sponge, soaking up moments and lessons and is able to release that information at all of the right times. i marvel at his intellect daily, and fear for the day when he is smarter than me. that could be any day now.

husband and i are doing well, aside from the exhaustion from that thing called life. work is going well for the husband and they ended their fiscal year in an exceptional place. he is so amazing at his job and i love watching him grow in that position. we had his mother in town for a few days which was a learning experience. ge enjoyed getting to know her, but chunk was weary of her which is strange for our little girl. we attribute it to her age, but it was quite funny watching her size her grandma up constantly. we visited landmarks and ate ice cream and had a lovely visit. husband and i are both looking forward to more people being in town this coming weekend to celebrate chunk's first birthday and also her cousin's birthday (they fall on the same day - celebration time!) we have many things to celebrate aside from birthdays now, too, which makes this coming weekend all the more exciting.

things are going well. i never though i could be that person that is asleep by 9 and up at 6:30 am with coffee in hand, but here i am. i cannot believe how quickly the last year has gone and how much all of us in this house have changed, but i have never learned more in a years time and i have never had such a full heart.

i'm about to get list like up in here

first, with the teevee talk

• how awesome was house last night? i felt like the sick person story was a little draggy and ridiculous, but she paralleled house well and i absolutely love that actresses voice. i hope that it wasn't a hallucination, because that would be like the billionth time they have done that and i totally love the car into house scene. win. 
• i am still mourning the loss of how i met your mother for the season, but they went out with a good bang and i can spend my lame summer television months thinking that lily is happily pregnant. i told the husband as soon as it started that she was with alien life form. this season was a lot of sad so i was happy to see it end with so much happy. 
• i have never watched the biggest loser before, but i got hooked about half way through this season and i am loving it. i don't know what happens tonight, but i hope the best things happen to hannah. it really is amazing to watch  the transformations. 
• uhm, voice? yes? i love it and i got the husband hooked on it, too. i still think blake shelton is an absolute idiot for letting tyler robinson go, but i will move forward with the show trying to hold only a little grudge. the show really is the awesome and i am excited for it tonight. 
• and yes, glee. i love me some glee. i love me some over-the-top break outs into random song and ridiculous plot twists. you could judge me, but jesus said not to. so there. i am hoping they win nationals. i don't know if the writers will do that, but i would rather it not completely mimic the last season-ender. plus, if they lose nationals you know they will probably take it next year and the formula gets a bit boring. 
• how sucky is the end of good television!? i am super excited that we get so you think you can dance and next food network star soon. the closer is a huge summer time tee vee win for us, too. excuse me a minute while i go hug my television and tell it that i love it and i don't know how other people live without it. 

we had a really nice weekend with the paw-paw. there was mall time, park time, zoo time, play time, and a lot of food time. we had a bit of lemon with our scotch and water and we had a lot of good conversation. the weekend was so much fun that the husband and i actually felt like we got a bit of a vacation, too. i feel like such a parent because this weekend we bought our first season pass to a zoo, which is a big moment. turns out we have an adorable little zoo right by our house and ge really loved it. ge gets overwhelmed pretty easily and this is a perfect sized place for him to explore without getting stressed out. i look forward to getting to know the little animals at our zoo this summer. 

this weekend we get to see my sister and her family and they are going to take the little devils off of our hands for two hours so we can actually be grow-ups and go see the hangover two. i. are. excited!! i feel spoiled with all of this family time because my family is way cooler than yours. i mean, no offense, but i have to be biased. you would be biased, too.

maybe not, may

i wanted to be a diligent blogger this month, but i am just not feeling the every day right now. weekends are hard for me because i don't really want to be on the internet. yesterday we had craft morning, visited the local farm, made jalapeno burgers, and watched the social network (an awful movie! how people liked it was beyond us!) and there wasn't a minute in there that i felt like stepping away from that goodness to type. i want to suck up every minute i have on the weekends with my family.

plus, with family coming into town this week, and more family visit time at the end of this month; it's just not going to happen. so maybe not, may. maybe august. or maybe never. i am loving blogging and i don't want to burn myself out by forcing myself to write something every day. and with that, no more words today, just a picture that makes me mass schmappy.

the struggle

the doctor's tell me i suffer from anxiety, agoraphobia, and extreme ocd. i tell myself, well, of course i do. i think we all struggle with something or another. i know a lot of beautiful people that all struggle with something. i have a lot of wonderful female friends that struggle with so many things each day and i am proud of all of them for so many reasons. it is easy to feel like you are your issues, and i have made a promise to myself, my kids, and my husband, that i will no longer let my struggles run my life. and so, instead of keeping my kids indoors this spring, i have decided to pick myself up and move us all out to explore our new stomping grounds. today was awesome. limerick, pa has an amazing park. and rather than tell my blog readers what an amazing time we had; i am going to let the pictures speak fro themselves.

tomorrow i urge you all to get out and do at least one thing that you don't want to do; especially if it is good for you. <3 and, if you read this little blog, please tell me what you did. i want to share these moments with my friends. <3

the beatles were right

- it is getting better all the time.

today has been a much easier day. perhaps that is because i bought a fan and a few clothes i feel good in from the target, or perhaps it is because i noticed that since i stopped taking the zoloft my hair actually stopped falling out, perhaps it is the antibiotics finally kicking in, or it is simply because i have an amazing family that has rallied around me for days. i wish i could say that my poor husband is doing well, but it is month end and his numbers aren't where they should be and he is very rabble rabble.

today ge and i battled back and forth about every hour or so. we are working on listening, which is far easier said than done. chunk is really wanting to crawl, but only thinks that that can be done while floundering about on her over-sized belly. and as much as i want to blog, i am tired and 30 days is a long time. i started out so passionate, but i have just lost that loving blog feeling.

and it's gone, gone, gone ... woahohahoh ba dum ba dum.

giving 30 before 30

my 30th birthday is in 2 days. in the spirit of living 3 decades i have decided to make a list. i am calling this my 30 people, place, events, and / or things that i have loved before 30 list. it's a lengthy title, but my life has been, as well. 

and now, in a not not random order, my 30 people, place, events, and / or things that i have loved before 30 list:

• red lodge, montana. for the years and years of experiences i have had there. not limited to, but including: the hotel, the hot tub, the pool, the laughs, the drinks, the drives, and the family memories. 
• living in the same apartment complex as my sister for some wild and crazy years. we lived, we laughed, we drank a bit too much, and one time some guy with a mullet threatened us. also, pink fucking sauce.
• pool league. at one time i actually beat one of the top ranked women in utah. also included is playing in the diviest of dive strip clubs in magna, utah. 
• avalanches and risqué behavior as a high school student during school hours. end of story. 
• also in high school; receiving my fire fighting 1, haz mat certification, and emt-b with a class of all males and being called, "one of the boys."
• certainly, of course, the birth of my first child. the events surrounding his entrance to the world were traumatic, but he changed me in every way for the better. we gave each other the life we always needed.
• fire pits with my family. yes, we are loud, obnoxious, and probably speak over each other too often, but we have a damn good time doing it. 
• the time they lit fire works off of our rental car in cowley, wyoming. 
• cowley, wyoming. full of my family, a wonderful parade every year, and a teenage dance where i did some teenage things. the smell of cowley, and the happiness of being there, will always feel like home.
• throwing a snowball at a buffalo in yellowstone when i was a very young girl because it wouldn't move.
• karaoke bowling with a big group of friends. girls just wanna have fun. 
• i ran over a bunny, once, coming home from a trip to montana / wyoming. and even though we were blasting slipknot in my sweet little isuzu, i burst into tears. i now call all of our hopping friends by our house my little bunny bunnies.
• the thousands of different haircuts and hairstyles that i have been through throughout the years. 
• moving to new mexico. damn, i miss the food. i miss the people. and i miss our home.
• of course, chunky being born. the husband and i had such a surreal experience that week. she gave us a family and all we have her was life; it doesn't seem like a just trade.
• receiving the title of miss raz mataz. hell, just dancing as a little girl meant the world to me. i will always remember a decent shuffle - ball - change.
• my mother, sitting in mormon church so many moons ago, singing a beautiful song with tears rolling down her face on father's day. there was so much power and emotion. 
• my sister, key west, dixie chicks cover - her beautiful voice singing on the patio is still something i can hear when i close my eyes. 
• i hated me some tubby brothers, but somehow being included in my brother's games, even if they hurt me, meant a lot to me as a child. 
• my sister's chemistry set. 
• the day my husband tried to break my arm and i wound up getting punched in the jaw by his dad.
• yes, that was a lot of fun.
• key west. spending a week spending too much money with all of the coolest people i know - getting kicked out of sloppy joes - i mean, really, what beats that?
• the time a group of friends and i went hiking up to the hot pots in the middle of the night after watching blair witch project and dustin from walla walla jump out of the bushes and literally sent our friend screaming bloody murder down at least a mile of the mountain.
• hiking delicate arch by full moon.
• being a mom, a wife, a sister, and a daughter. and taking that roll very seriously.
• all of the music that has been the soundtrack to this crazy 30 year roller coaster that has been my life. honorable mentions go to (first and foremost) sublime, color me badd, the violent femmes, boys 2 men, slipknot, jewel, eagles, tom petty, ian anderson, garth brooks, and jay-z.
• moving to pa
• my wedding week with my amazing husband. 
• the weekends, the days, the minutes, the moments, the everything that i stick into that seconds that is my life. it may not have always been perfect, but after thirty years i am in such an amazing place and i can honestly say; i simply couldn't ask for more.  

knee deep in "it"

for the past few weeks we have been trying to teach the 3 year year old the concept of sharing - something that be believes is third in line of bull-shit-things-he-has-to-do. third only to going to bed, and leaving the park. we started slowly; chunk should be able to have one of his toys when she plays in his room, but has to give it back before she leaves. this week we have moved more into making him share one of his toys at any given time in any given room. he is fine with sharing, as long as it isn't with his baby sister. but a breakthrough came today by way of goldfish crackers, and ended in her being able to play with one of mickey mouse's friends (pluto, to be exact, but they are his current prized possessions.) thank goodness the chunk already has an affinity for salty cracker goodness, or the clubhouse friends would have been out tonight as well.

the husband is away watching the phillies lose to the mets right now and i have the pleasure of spending all day in the madness that is two children. when my sister called tonight i relished every second of speaking to someone that doesn't spit, say ba-ba, or speak in tongues every five seconds. it isn't that i want to complain, because i love being a stay at home mom, but woah - that's a lot of kid time, batman.

but i am here with my friends, wine and silence. i am watching the phillies game, listening to the effing wind blow in more cold to the region, and typing happily away on my laptop; it could be worse. to be absolutely fair to the kids; i love the husband, but it is kind of nice to have some kerry time tonight, too. i very much enjoy my moments of silence, and when the become scarce (like lately), i seem to drink them in as if it has been years since i have had the quench of nothing.

i have been thinking about my birthdays leading up until the big three-oh, and the one that always comes to my mind is my 21st. my sister and i at wasatch pub in park city; i ordered a beer and the waiter didn't even check my i.d., we wound up at port o' call drinking i.r.a. car bombs that same night. we ended the festivities with family in las vegas listening to a crazy limo driver tell us inappropriate jokes, watching the amazing johnathan at the golden nugget, and me getting so drunk at the night club that i could only remember to take out my contacts after a cab ride i don't remember. oh to be young, dumb, and partying with the coolest woman i know. i am looking forward to this birthday. dinner with my amazing husband in one of my favorite towns, and then spending time with that same coolest woman and her equally awesome husband. i love that i have gotten to that moment in life where it isn't how drunk i get, but the quality of people that i get to celebrate life with.

in keeping with randomly mentioning the theme of april's nablopomo, i have to mention that family has been my greatest source of sprouting, and most likely until the end of time. family has been a center in my life, and those who know me best know that without a doubt (okay, but maybe with a bit of a laugh) and i hope to share that with my children. i hope that my children always grow up knowing how much family means and that no matter what, they are always there. we all sprout as family, and though we may always be at different places in the growing process, all we can hope is that the youngest ones catch up in the end. i know i am glad i have.

Chunk. 6 Month edition

Charli,

I have tried, several times actually, to sit down and write you the 6 month letter that you deserve. I wanted to be poignant and hilarious and loving all at once. I wanted this letter to be something that you read as an adult and it just floored you because you felt how happy we are to have you.  But I can’t. I can’t because your teething has kept your father and I awake for two days. Literally. Two. Days. I know it is not your fault, but this morning at 3 am I didn’t feel necessarily fond of you or your bottom teeth. At 1:30 this morning your father wasn’t very fond of your teeth either, but we definitely still love you. Even though we are exhausted and your 6 month letter will take a toll.

And yet, you have your moments of nothing but amazing. Your laughter is hilarious. You snort when you get super excited. You love to be entertained and to soak in everything that is around you. You love it when your brother knows you are bored and he comes running in the room to try and make you laugh. You are incredibly ticklish, which is fun because you are one of the chunkiest babies I have ever seen. You are constantly on the lookout for the next punch line, which is fun because all we have to do is cover out faces and say “boo!” to make you think we are hilarious. But we are. Even when we are sleep deprived. 

I have been reflecting on the last 6 months and I truly cannot believe how quickly they went. I strongly remember waiting to go in for my c-section to finally meet you and it felt like it took 20 times longer than these last 6 months. You are such an amazing baby. You are so sweet and so loving and everyone that gets to know you is just as amazed by you as your father and I are. Your temperament is unlike any child I have ever seen. You always have a smile, even if you are feeling awful. Every time I pick you up you nuzzle into my shoulder and hug me. You love to dance around the room and you adore any form of music. I love you because you can’t judge my out of pitch voice; you actually enjoy my rendition of the theme from Weeds quite a bit.

You have a crib, but you refuse to sleep in it. You prefer your swing while your father and I are awake and know instantly if we have gone to bed because you demand to sleep right next to us. I would argue, but I am often tired, and you are so squishy comfortable. You love to edge in right next to me and have the same ability as your brother to take up and entire queen sized mattress when you can’t even fill one yourself. You just keep growing out of clothing. We are probably going to have to start eating bargain brands just to keep you dressed. Seriously, Charli, how the hell does one baby grow at such a rapid rate!?

You love your brother. I mean that. You. Love. Him. And he loves that you love him, too. He constantly brings you toys to make you happy. As soon as you see him you light up. He tries to feed you bottles, brings me diapers when he decides you need to be changed, and watches you when I need him to. You both are such wonderful children and your Daddy and I feel constantly blessed to have the both of you. You have such an amazing gift of balancing everything in such a positive way.

Chunk, we love you. I wish this letter could have been full of better grammar and a better range of vocabulary. I wish that I could say something as meaningful as you are to us, but you have kept us awake for so long that I literally am thankful that I can even type. And that is okay. It’s okay because you are here and because you continue to bring such amazing things to our lives. We love you. We simply love you and adore all that you are. You are so chunky and so funny and you make all of those moments better. We are a family and that means everything to us. So keep teething, keep laughing, and most of all keep being you. By the time you can understand all of these words you will be an even more amazing version of yourself – but I honestly have no idea how you can accomplish that.

We love you. I love you.

Mama

it's a beautiful day in my neighborhood

it was 75 degrees here in pa today. 75 degrees, sunny, beautiful, and the air smelled of spring. if you have been on the east coast and dealt with this cold ass winter that came straight on the heals of a bitterly hot summer you know that 75 was a very welcome change. i opened my windows and doors. the fresh air flowed in and the little ones and i enjoyed every second of the day. a quick trip to the mall to finish up some anniversary present shopping for the husband, a quick grocery trip, a happy meal run, and we were back in time to put chunk down for a nap so ge and i could get our sidewalk chalk and bubbles on.

while riding in the car on the way to the mall my 3 year old was going through his round of asking the same question over and over and over again. when i stopped him and said, "ge, you know where we are going you don't have to keep asking," he burst out laughing. when i told him he wasn't funny he replied, "mom, you know i am funny." little kid is such a smarty ass pants.

out of nowhere in the car chunk realized that she now possessed the skills to blow raspberries. this was a definite first and it floored ge with laughter. he kept asking me why chunk was spitting all over the place and was laughing so hard every time she did that he had tears rolling down his cheeks. they literally sat in the back of the car for 15 minutes laughing at each other and spitting all over themselves. damb, i love those kids.

today has been a beautiful day in so many ways. i cannot explain how happy i am. this anniversary with my husband means so much to me. he means so much to me. the man is an amazing force of greatness in my life. in the last year he has stood by my side and just loved me for who i am and i have found parts of myself i never even knew existed. he is so passionate about our family, about our life. he works incredibly hard to provide us with a life where we can center around our kids. he is hilarious, charming, so so so sexy, and he loves all the food i cook for him. he gives a mean compliment, is an outstanding gift giver, and is beyond thoughtful. the man is one of the most amazing fathers that ever existed. his laughter is infectious and i love to hear him tell stories. he is such a strong and intelligent man and i just love him. it really is that easy; i just love him.

we spent every month of this year buying something for one another on the 18th, just a little something and always a card full of overly lovey-dovey crap, and it has been wonderful and so sweet. today he surprised me with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a pair of tiffanys earrings; an absolutely wonderful gift. just having him, just knowing i get to wake up by his side would have been more than enough, but i will never complain about boxes in blue. and that's just who he is. he loves to see the people that he loves smile. i am so lucky to have him. i am so lucky to have to beautiful children with such loud laughs and bright personalities. i am so lucky to have a wonderful family that supports my crazy ass, and good friends who always have a nice thing to say.

to quote ben folds five, "i am the luckiest."

how not to clean on a weekend

I had many hopes for this weekend. Those hopes were a spring-cleaned home, a smell of bleach throughout that spring-cleaned home, and a marathon watching of cheesy Lifetime movies while accomplishing said goals. To say I failed would be to say that I didn't succeed in some ways, but my goals were only 35.6 percent achieved, and the home that I am typing this message from is nowhere near spring-cleaned. And Lifetime, well, I hope that they are achieving their viewership goals in other ways because I in no way contributed.

Instead of goal smashing I let my poor sick husband sleep in on Saturday. I played with my kids, made circus shaped waffles, and went about my tasks at a pace that would make snails mock me. I did, however, get some goals knocked out. My closet is a shining example of a solid hour and fifteen minutes of work, my husband's closet has been eradicated of man slop, the clutter has been removed from our living room, and my storage unit is the proud owner of all the shit I didn't want in my house anymore.

Last night I was certain that I would tackle today and finish up all of the things I didn't accomplish yesterday. There was going to be dusting and vacuuming and bleaching and pine-sol galore. I was even going to jam out to music to up my production level, but I changed my mind after my Husband let me sleep in for a half an hour extra. I changed my mind because we only have so much time to actually enjoy the weekend. I changed my mind because the Pennsylvania state lottery system has been good to me and I had 70$ worth of scratchies to turn in and I felt like putting them to use. We worked on a few chores today, the necessary ones to make my house cleaning goals accomplish-able tomorrow, and then I decided to grant a break upon my family.

With 70$ of cash in my pocket I decided that the best thing we could do was venture out of the house, head to the best grocery store we know, buy some beautiful New York Strip steaks and a bottle of amazing Napa Cellars 2007 wine. We came home and built trains with Ge. We played silly games with Chunk that filled out house with infectious infant laughter. And when the kids went to bed I put the Husband and I's steak in the cast iron skillet as the wine took a bit of time to breathe. Dinner was amazing. I am hoping that the episode of Big Love that is coming up in 5 minutes will be amazing. And my house doesn't have a voice, so I do not worry about the backlash from my laziness. To be honest. spending a weekend with my kids and my husband was way more awesome than cleaning. And, there is always tomorrow.

maybe she's born with it, maybe it's flashy soup can

It may be a bit early (but only by three hours, people, and she is the most awesome soup can of them all!) But I want to wish a very happy birthday to my sister, Flashy Soup Can. My sister has always been there for me, no matter the issue in life. When we were younger she was there to soothe me with her brilliant Kermit the Frog impression, didn't kill me when I went all crazy in my sleep on her, and (the most important thing) she had Color Me Badd cassette tape that I could totally steal when she was out playing the flute or being her awesome self. She once had me deliver a pizza to a boy that said "yes" while I did a bit of a tap dance. Did she exploit me? Maybe. Did I want to be her more than anything else in the world? You bet your ass.

And now that we are older we sit around fires and tables and anything else that one sits around and we drink wine, talk about our kids, discuss politics, or make fun of people because we are awesome and they are ridiculous. Our relationship has finally matured into something that I love beyond words. And yes, she still is my hero. And yes, if I grew up to be anything like her I would be more than proud. My sister is an amazingly strong woman. She is beautiful and smart. She could drink you under the table and then embarrass you with a verbal slaughter that would make your mother blush. She is a wonderful cook, a brilliant photographer, and she can sing so beautifully that it will give you chills.

So a very happy birthday to my sister, my friend. I may not have always been the best little sister, but I have never stopped loving you and admiring you. I am so happy that we live close again and that my children have such an amazing Aunt to be around. I hope that we get to see you soon. <3