fluorescent self esteem

part of my issue with turning 30 has been reinventing my personal sense of style. having 2 children hasn't been that kind to my body and the way that i dressed pre baby weight does not lend itself well towards my current body type. plus, when i was pregnant with the chunk i pretty much ate whatever i wanted and now i am paying for it. oh, and i love food. i love butter and pasta and bread and fatty meats. i even love ice cream. and wine. at the beginning of the year i really tried hard to turn up the heat on working out, but i honestly do not have the time. when the kids have their down-time i use those moments to straighten up the house or prep dinner. and the weather outside this winter was so awful that we didn't get any walking time in. i am hoping to really push the walks this spring / summer with myself because losing just 15 pounds will put me back where i would be comfortable and happier with my body shape.

since i had chunk 6 months ago i have been hiding behind over sized clothing and pajama pants. i essentially live in pajama pants, i love them. none of my clothes really fit me anymore and the thought of trying on clothes depressed me. plus, i finally understood the pains of having bigger boobs. nothing. fits. seriously! by the time i find something that fits my chest i have lost all the shape in the bottom of it. nothing feels flattering and sizes just don't work anymore. by boobs are at least a size 12 and my waist is between an 8 and a 10. since i don't feel like i am going to quit nursing anytime soon i finally bit the bullet and did some birthday shopping today at the mall with the husband and the minis.

the first hour of the trip to the mall was a disaster. i was hoping that ge would start complaining so i had a reason to just give up and leave, but he didn't and the husband insisted i keep looking. at macy's i finally found 2 croppy pants and a shirt that didn't make me want to cry. felt pretty good. i wanted to find a dress to wear to the husband and i's fancy date next weekend, but i kept striking out. everything i tried on pushed me closer and closer to the brink of tears. trying on clothes is hell on a woman's self esteem.

i did, however, find the dress i was looking for after a round of pretzel sticks and cheese. shining like a beautiful blue light in the ann taylor window was this dress (<3). a check on the price found me saying, "shit, i really shouldn't do 148" but they were giving 30% off of your purchase and my husband told me to get my ass in the store and try it on. i never thought it would fit, but it did, and in a size down from the one i picked up first. it has been such a long time since i felt pretty and that feeling is wonderful. paired with these shoes i bought i am going to be a cute date for my husband. i was going to wear pajama pants, but i decided to finally dress myself up like a lady.

and so, to women everywhere, i just want to apologize and offer my sympathies. it doesn't matter what size you are we are all so hard on ourselves. i have spent so much time lately hiding behind my clothes that i forgot how good it feels to wear something i feel good in. the most beautiful women are the ones that feel it, no matter what size and shape they are. we all grow, we all change, but we all deserve to feel good. and to find heels that are comfortable.

burning bush? i think not

this may very well be tmi, but i am dying over here from continuous hot flashes. i so enjoy nursing my little chunk, but my hormones are so out-of-whack that i often feel like stripping off my clothes and hiding out in the freezer. if i wear anything more than a t-shirt, no matter what the weather, i am so miserable that it is unbearable. people look at me like i am a crazy woman when i am walking around in flip flops and t-shirt in the freezing cold weather, but every time they glance at me with the crazy looks i just want to scream at them, "you do not understand me! leave me alone to deal with my fifty thousand degree body in peace!" men just do not understand how much we women go through to produce evil little offspring and keep them happy and healthy.

last night my husband informed me that he took my sister's advice and made reservations at the chart house in annapolis for us for my birthday. he managed to snag us reservations for a table overlooking the water at sunset. not only will this be our first real date (by real i mean one where i wasn't miserably pregnant and feeling awful) in over a year and almost a half. he informed me that we will not be looking at any prices on the menu and that my only thing i have to do that night is enjoy myself. i am so excited. i cannot think of a better way to celebrate my crazy 30 years of life than expensive food and over-priced wine. there will be indulgence and it will be delicious. i love me some romance and i love me some husband.

i am typing this blog in the middle of the day because chunk is actually napping, again (that's 2 days in a row!) and ge is happily consuming tater tots and ketchup for lunch. how i met your mother is playing in the background and i am actually calm for the first afternoon in a while. i am enjoying the rain outside and the cool weather. there is a giant chicken to be roasted with lemons and garlicks for dinner, and the husband is bringing home fresh bread and salted butter to enjoy without regret. there is so much of friday night to enjoy ahead of me and a weekend with my wonderful family. i love being on the eve of weekends; it always lifts my mood to a better place.