and then i fell asleep

i keep meaning to update my blog. there is so much to say about the little ones and i feel like i am going to forget all of these moments because there are just so many to remember. from ge saying things like the mini adult he is a chunk running around growling like a bear; there are just so many moments in our day i wish i could capture. but by the time i have a minute at the end of the day to sit down and update - i am completely asleep. gone to this world. last night i was asleep in bed by 8:45. i haven't seen 10:30 pm in weeks.

i love that chunk is walking by her first birthday because she is finally sleeping through the night, but i spend all day chasing her around the house screaming things like, "ahhh!" and "oh no!" and "please, for the love of mark wahlberg, don't do that!" because she is full of evil, that one. she has mastered the art of full body on the floor tantrums and will throw one if you don't allow her to take things out of the fridge when she sneaks in during food time. she also throws them when i don't let her eat paper, or crayons, or kittens. ok, maybe not kittens, but if we had one i would fear for its safety. she is so cute, and when she looks up at me with her big dimply smile and bright blue eyes i almost forget for a moment that she is trying to drive me mad. i often look at her and i pause for a moment just to take her in because she is the cutest thing i have ever laid eyes on - even if that means in those 2 seconds she has moved on to destroying my most prized possessions.

ge is 3 going on 40. we asked him to play trains the other day and he declined stating, "we will have to wait until charli goes down for a nap because she will wreck my trains and i will just freak out." true. oh. so. very. true. he is still, and always has been, the most responsible child in the world. he is the child that has every piece to every toy he has ever owned (which is a lot of toys) and is now becoming irritated by chunk's inability to maintain order and longevity in toys. he is so full of imagination and loves to tell stories. he can tell you the story of his day in roughly 5 minutes and will makes sure you understand every word of what he says. his favorite bed time book is cloudy with a chance of meatballs, and he insists you tell it in your normal voice and let him repeat his favorite moments. he loves to visit monuments around towns and have them explained to him so he can take them in for next time to be a mini tour guide of our beautiful area. we learned about canal locks yesterday and already this morning he has told me about water flow by our big river. he is a little sponge, soaking up moments and lessons and is able to release that information at all of the right times. i marvel at his intellect daily, and fear for the day when he is smarter than me. that could be any day now.

husband and i are doing well, aside from the exhaustion from that thing called life. work is going well for the husband and they ended their fiscal year in an exceptional place. he is so amazing at his job and i love watching him grow in that position. we had his mother in town for a few days which was a learning experience. ge enjoyed getting to know her, but chunk was weary of her which is strange for our little girl. we attribute it to her age, but it was quite funny watching her size her grandma up constantly. we visited landmarks and ate ice cream and had a lovely visit. husband and i are both looking forward to more people being in town this coming weekend to celebrate chunk's first birthday and also her cousin's birthday (they fall on the same day - celebration time!) we have many things to celebrate aside from birthdays now, too, which makes this coming weekend all the more exciting.

things are going well. i never though i could be that person that is asleep by 9 and up at 6:30 am with coffee in hand, but here i am. i cannot believe how quickly the last year has gone and how much all of us in this house have changed, but i have never learned more in a years time and i have never had such a full heart.

candle light vigil - twenties edition

my wonderful husband lit thirty candles for me this morning and woke me up to come see them along with the sweet ass classic 160 gig i pod he got me. he said it was welcoming in my 30s, but we see things a bit differently. and so, as i blew them out, i mourned the loss of my sweet friend 2. may my twenties rest in the chaotic peace they lived in. forever and ever, amen.

i've got nothing

the old is creeping in. i can feel the 30 seeping in to my brain and making it impossible to be creative. or, maybe, i am just making it all up in my crazy old head. one can never be sure.

we used to live in south jordan, utah. we had this amazing horse named babe, and she was pretty much my horse. my pretty white horse. i would often go lie down next to her while she napped during the middle of the day; i felt such a huge feeling of peace during those times. i am craving that moment right now. the silence, the dirt, the smell of my horse, the feeling of a big animal trusting me so much, the calm of the moment. today has been a blur of "put that down", "no you can't have ice cream for breakfast", and "one moment, mommy only has two hands and little sanity left." i need a minute of calm. i need a deep breath of sanity inducing air. i need a horse, and a mountain to run her up.

looking back on the last 3 decades of life has been funny, and sad, and memorable in so many ways. i wouldn't change a thing because i love my life, but i definitely made some mistakes along the way. i got lucky, and for some reason i am astutely aware of that today.

giving 30 before 30

my 30th birthday is in 2 days. in the spirit of living 3 decades i have decided to make a list. i am calling this my 30 people, place, events, and / or things that i have loved before 30 list. it's a lengthy title, but my life has been, as well. 

and now, in a not not random order, my 30 people, place, events, and / or things that i have loved before 30 list:

• red lodge, montana. for the years and years of experiences i have had there. not limited to, but including: the hotel, the hot tub, the pool, the laughs, the drinks, the drives, and the family memories. 
• living in the same apartment complex as my sister for some wild and crazy years. we lived, we laughed, we drank a bit too much, and one time some guy with a mullet threatened us. also, pink fucking sauce.
• pool league. at one time i actually beat one of the top ranked women in utah. also included is playing in the diviest of dive strip clubs in magna, utah. 
• avalanches and risqué behavior as a high school student during school hours. end of story. 
• also in high school; receiving my fire fighting 1, haz mat certification, and emt-b with a class of all males and being called, "one of the boys."
• certainly, of course, the birth of my first child. the events surrounding his entrance to the world were traumatic, but he changed me in every way for the better. we gave each other the life we always needed.
• fire pits with my family. yes, we are loud, obnoxious, and probably speak over each other too often, but we have a damn good time doing it. 
• the time they lit fire works off of our rental car in cowley, wyoming. 
• cowley, wyoming. full of my family, a wonderful parade every year, and a teenage dance where i did some teenage things. the smell of cowley, and the happiness of being there, will always feel like home.
• throwing a snowball at a buffalo in yellowstone when i was a very young girl because it wouldn't move.
• karaoke bowling with a big group of friends. girls just wanna have fun. 
• i ran over a bunny, once, coming home from a trip to montana / wyoming. and even though we were blasting slipknot in my sweet little isuzu, i burst into tears. i now call all of our hopping friends by our house my little bunny bunnies.
• the thousands of different haircuts and hairstyles that i have been through throughout the years. 
• moving to new mexico. damn, i miss the food. i miss the people. and i miss our home.
• of course, chunky being born. the husband and i had such a surreal experience that week. she gave us a family and all we have her was life; it doesn't seem like a just trade.
• receiving the title of miss raz mataz. hell, just dancing as a little girl meant the world to me. i will always remember a decent shuffle - ball - change.
• my mother, sitting in mormon church so many moons ago, singing a beautiful song with tears rolling down her face on father's day. there was so much power and emotion. 
• my sister, key west, dixie chicks cover - her beautiful voice singing on the patio is still something i can hear when i close my eyes. 
• i hated me some tubby brothers, but somehow being included in my brother's games, even if they hurt me, meant a lot to me as a child. 
• my sister's chemistry set. 
• the day my husband tried to break my arm and i wound up getting punched in the jaw by his dad.
• yes, that was a lot of fun.
• key west. spending a week spending too much money with all of the coolest people i know - getting kicked out of sloppy joes - i mean, really, what beats that?
• the time a group of friends and i went hiking up to the hot pots in the middle of the night after watching blair witch project and dustin from walla walla jump out of the bushes and literally sent our friend screaming bloody murder down at least a mile of the mountain.
• hiking delicate arch by full moon.
• being a mom, a wife, a sister, and a daughter. and taking that roll very seriously.
• all of the music that has been the soundtrack to this crazy 30 year roller coaster that has been my life. honorable mentions go to (first and foremost) sublime, color me badd, the violent femmes, boys 2 men, slipknot, jewel, eagles, tom petty, ian anderson, garth brooks, and jay-z.
• moving to pa
• my wedding week with my amazing husband. 
• the weekends, the days, the minutes, the moments, the everything that i stick into that seconds that is my life. it may not have always been perfect, but after thirty years i am in such an amazing place and i can honestly say; i simply couldn't ask for more.  

fluorescent self esteem

part of my issue with turning 30 has been reinventing my personal sense of style. having 2 children hasn't been that kind to my body and the way that i dressed pre baby weight does not lend itself well towards my current body type. plus, when i was pregnant with the chunk i pretty much ate whatever i wanted and now i am paying for it. oh, and i love food. i love butter and pasta and bread and fatty meats. i even love ice cream. and wine. at the beginning of the year i really tried hard to turn up the heat on working out, but i honestly do not have the time. when the kids have their down-time i use those moments to straighten up the house or prep dinner. and the weather outside this winter was so awful that we didn't get any walking time in. i am hoping to really push the walks this spring / summer with myself because losing just 15 pounds will put me back where i would be comfortable and happier with my body shape.

since i had chunk 6 months ago i have been hiding behind over sized clothing and pajama pants. i essentially live in pajama pants, i love them. none of my clothes really fit me anymore and the thought of trying on clothes depressed me. plus, i finally understood the pains of having bigger boobs. nothing. fits. seriously! by the time i find something that fits my chest i have lost all the shape in the bottom of it. nothing feels flattering and sizes just don't work anymore. by boobs are at least a size 12 and my waist is between an 8 and a 10. since i don't feel like i am going to quit nursing anytime soon i finally bit the bullet and did some birthday shopping today at the mall with the husband and the minis.

the first hour of the trip to the mall was a disaster. i was hoping that ge would start complaining so i had a reason to just give up and leave, but he didn't and the husband insisted i keep looking. at macy's i finally found 2 croppy pants and a shirt that didn't make me want to cry. felt pretty good. i wanted to find a dress to wear to the husband and i's fancy date next weekend, but i kept striking out. everything i tried on pushed me closer and closer to the brink of tears. trying on clothes is hell on a woman's self esteem.

i did, however, find the dress i was looking for after a round of pretzel sticks and cheese. shining like a beautiful blue light in the ann taylor window was this dress (<3). a check on the price found me saying, "shit, i really shouldn't do 148" but they were giving 30% off of your purchase and my husband told me to get my ass in the store and try it on. i never thought it would fit, but it did, and in a size down from the one i picked up first. it has been such a long time since i felt pretty and that feeling is wonderful. paired with these shoes i bought i am going to be a cute date for my husband. i was going to wear pajama pants, but i decided to finally dress myself up like a lady.

and so, to women everywhere, i just want to apologize and offer my sympathies. it doesn't matter what size you are we are all so hard on ourselves. i have spent so much time lately hiding behind my clothes that i forgot how good it feels to wear something i feel good in. the most beautiful women are the ones that feel it, no matter what size and shape they are. we all grow, we all change, but we all deserve to feel good. and to find heels that are comfortable.

burning bush? i think not

this may very well be tmi, but i am dying over here from continuous hot flashes. i so enjoy nursing my little chunk, but my hormones are so out-of-whack that i often feel like stripping off my clothes and hiding out in the freezer. if i wear anything more than a t-shirt, no matter what the weather, i am so miserable that it is unbearable. people look at me like i am a crazy woman when i am walking around in flip flops and t-shirt in the freezing cold weather, but every time they glance at me with the crazy looks i just want to scream at them, "you do not understand me! leave me alone to deal with my fifty thousand degree body in peace!" men just do not understand how much we women go through to produce evil little offspring and keep them happy and healthy.

last night my husband informed me that he took my sister's advice and made reservations at the chart house in annapolis for us for my birthday. he managed to snag us reservations for a table overlooking the water at sunset. not only will this be our first real date (by real i mean one where i wasn't miserably pregnant and feeling awful) in over a year and almost a half. he informed me that we will not be looking at any prices on the menu and that my only thing i have to do that night is enjoy myself. i am so excited. i cannot think of a better way to celebrate my crazy 30 years of life than expensive food and over-priced wine. there will be indulgence and it will be delicious. i love me some romance and i love me some husband.

i am typing this blog in the middle of the day because chunk is actually napping, again (that's 2 days in a row!) and ge is happily consuming tater tots and ketchup for lunch. how i met your mother is playing in the background and i am actually calm for the first afternoon in a while. i am enjoying the rain outside and the cool weather. there is a giant chicken to be roasted with lemons and garlicks for dinner, and the husband is bringing home fresh bread and salted butter to enjoy without regret. there is so much of friday night to enjoy ahead of me and a weekend with my wonderful family. i love being on the eve of weekends; it always lifts my mood to a better place.

knee deep in "it"

for the past few weeks we have been trying to teach the 3 year year old the concept of sharing - something that be believes is third in line of bull-shit-things-he-has-to-do. third only to going to bed, and leaving the park. we started slowly; chunk should be able to have one of his toys when she plays in his room, but has to give it back before she leaves. this week we have moved more into making him share one of his toys at any given time in any given room. he is fine with sharing, as long as it isn't with his baby sister. but a breakthrough came today by way of goldfish crackers, and ended in her being able to play with one of mickey mouse's friends (pluto, to be exact, but they are his current prized possessions.) thank goodness the chunk already has an affinity for salty cracker goodness, or the clubhouse friends would have been out tonight as well.

the husband is away watching the phillies lose to the mets right now and i have the pleasure of spending all day in the madness that is two children. when my sister called tonight i relished every second of speaking to someone that doesn't spit, say ba-ba, or speak in tongues every five seconds. it isn't that i want to complain, because i love being a stay at home mom, but woah - that's a lot of kid time, batman.

but i am here with my friends, wine and silence. i am watching the phillies game, listening to the effing wind blow in more cold to the region, and typing happily away on my laptop; it could be worse. to be absolutely fair to the kids; i love the husband, but it is kind of nice to have some kerry time tonight, too. i very much enjoy my moments of silence, and when the become scarce (like lately), i seem to drink them in as if it has been years since i have had the quench of nothing.

i have been thinking about my birthdays leading up until the big three-oh, and the one that always comes to my mind is my 21st. my sister and i at wasatch pub in park city; i ordered a beer and the waiter didn't even check my i.d., we wound up at port o' call drinking i.r.a. car bombs that same night. we ended the festivities with family in las vegas listening to a crazy limo driver tell us inappropriate jokes, watching the amazing johnathan at the golden nugget, and me getting so drunk at the night club that i could only remember to take out my contacts after a cab ride i don't remember. oh to be young, dumb, and partying with the coolest woman i know. i am looking forward to this birthday. dinner with my amazing husband in one of my favorite towns, and then spending time with that same coolest woman and her equally awesome husband. i love that i have gotten to that moment in life where it isn't how drunk i get, but the quality of people that i get to celebrate life with.

in keeping with randomly mentioning the theme of april's nablopomo, i have to mention that family has been my greatest source of sprouting, and most likely until the end of time. family has been a center in my life, and those who know me best know that without a doubt (okay, but maybe with a bit of a laugh) and i hope to share that with my children. i hope that my children always grow up knowing how much family means and that no matter what, they are always there. we all sprout as family, and though we may always be at different places in the growing process, all we can hope is that the youngest ones catch up in the end. i know i am glad i have.