gear shift

i lost another friend to suicide today, a good friend. i honestly cannot count the amount of friends i have lost to suicide on my fingers any longer, and there have been so many that i know i am missing some. as a person who struggles with depression i understand that it can be debilitating, but please get help if you are having issues. there are friends and family members to be thought of. yes, suicide might be an easy way out, but you leave a wake in the path of your self destruction that cannot be calmed. you may feel lost in the moment, but i promise that you are loved.

there are so many things that i will remember about my friend, but the thing that keeps popping into my brain today is the sweet gesture he made sending my little ge a pair of awesome swedish brown boots because he thought he would like them. they are my absolute favorite shoes ge has ever owned, and i look forward to putting chunk in them as well, and remembering my friend that was so gracious to send them with love. brandon was always there for me no matter what time of day it was and we spent many times of day talking. i have had him as a solid friend for so long and i will miss his big smile and his big heart. my utah friends are broken today with his loss, and we all share a sadness due to his absence.

i am sorry that he had to feel so much pain that he thought the only option was to take his life. i am sorry that he couldn't reach out and let someone else take the pain from his shoulders so we could still have him here today. i am sorry that he couldn't see inside of his own soul to realize the beauty it put out. he will always have a soft spot in my heart and i will always remember him fondly as a true friend.

rest in peace, brandon. i hope that the calm after the storm is as peaceful as i believe it to be. i will miss you. thank you for a gift that will keep on giving me a memory of you on the feet of my precious little children. love.

on ode to the girls

i am babysitting my sister's dogs currently. they are all females, a bit on the neurotic side, and super sweet with my kids. they are a good reminder that although i think puppies are cute and i want to bring them all home, the husband and i are in no way ready for a dog. we keep wanting to buy one because we love them, but wow ... kids are enough responsibility.

as a tribute to the dogs i have written a song for them. step back, beyonce, my lyrical stylings are about to get all up in your business. check it :

all my doggie ladies, all my doggie ladies
all my doggie ladies, all my doggie ladies
all my doggie ladies, all my doggie ladies
all my doggie ladies

now put you paws up, paws up

stuck in the house, we can't get out, 
we're doing our own doggie thing
decided to chew, because we miss you
when you're out of the house

we're up on here, we're up on there
don't pay rules any attention
we bark and howl, while you are out
ya can't be mad at us

cause if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it
if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it
don't be mad when you see our pee on it
if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it

roof roof roof, 
roof roof roof roof 
roof roof 
roof roof roof 

roof roof roof, 
roof roof roof roof 
roof roof 
roof roof roof

if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it
if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it
don't be mad when you see our pee on it
if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it

we got pee on the floor, an unopen door
keeps us inside doing our business
throwing up, colorful junk
on the couches and carpet

oh and did we mention, we want bacon
and some love and affection
will you please come home, we're tired of being alone
we want scratches and some fresh water

cause if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it
if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it
don't be mad when you see our pee on it
if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it

roof roof roof, 
roof roof roof roof 
roof roof 
roof roof roof 

roof roof roof, 
roof roof roof roof 
roof roof 
roof roof roof

if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it
if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it
don't be mad when you see our pee on it
if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it

roof roof roof, 
roof roof roof roof 
roof roof 
roof roof roof 

roof roof roof, 
roof roof roof roof 
roof roof 
roof roof roof

please don't be mad when we poo on the floor
it's just that damn closed door
opposable thumbs we'd prefer, what we deserve

your shoes are delicous, don't leave us
and get angry and unhappy when we chew them all up
pull us on to your lap, give our heads a soft pat 
if you don't, we'll all be bad, and chewing mayhem, will be had

all my doggie ladies, all my doggie ladies
all my doggie ladies, all my doggie ladies

now put your paws up, paws up! 

roof roof roof


please send ice

you know what is hard? finding the motivation to blog when it is hot and humid. also difficult, not turning on the air conditioning. i have made myself a promise that i will delay turning on the air conditioning for as long as possible this summer because i absolutely do not enjoy the rape like bills that peco sends me for our old ass air conditioner and its constant state of on. seriously, i almost threw up last year when i got our first bill, but we maintained the condition of the air being cold because i was pregnant, and i get grumpy when i am pregnant. very. easily. i purchased a 17 dollar fan from target that seems to be helping, but still ... being on a grown up budget is hard. and it sucks.

the kids were absolutely horrible demons today. poor chunk is growing in her two top teeth and ge is 3. ge is 3 a lot, and chunk's teeth never seem to stop growing in. i am glad that peco can't charge me for this because i am sure that budget billing would not cover it at all. this business of being alive is incredibly expensive.

chunk-a-tron is a rolling fool around our house. she can scoot backwards, readjust her turn to move in a new direction, and she is trying really hard to manipulate those fat little knees of hers to stay up. she is an absolutely hilarious and sweet little baby. her papa loved my, "hold my closer sloppy kisser" song, because she loves to just latch on to any piece of my skin she can find to show affection. my tag line for the chunk is, "i am just happy to be here." because she continues to just love being alive, and being around everyone that pays attention to her. i honestly cannot believe that she is 8 months old, and that she will soon be 1. time flies when you live in such a beautiful world.

ge is a talking, singing fool. tonight he was following me around the house screaming nonsense while i was on the phone with his aunt brook. i jokingly told him that he was a burden and he burst out into a laughter that lasted 10 minutes. he loves to be challenging. he will tell me, "mom, i am going to be frustrating now" and he does, and he will. i love that he challenges me, i love it most when he is asleep and i am relaxing - like now. he loves to paint, sing songs while he drums, tell me what to do, play mickey mouse friends with his dad, and go anywhere outside. he is such a help at the grocery store and takes such loving care of his little sister. ge has always been and remains and incredible blessing on my life.

the husband is stressed with work, but he is wonderful as always. i am so incredibly proud of the person he is and the husband he is. he keeps me laughing at my worst moments and is always there for us unconditionally. plus, he knows my favorite wines and my drink order from starbucks! how can you say anything bad about that?!

the feeling in my hands is starting to return, but that has been met with a lot of pain from the various injuries i seem to have sustained in the 4 weeks of numbness. i am starting to believe that the last month + of hardships were completely due to zoloft withdrawal. horrible, awful, zoloft withdrawals. i will never miss that drug.

it's hot. i am sure that there are other words i planned on typing, but a 17 dollar fan only blows so much ... just ask lloyd how much more 8 dollars could have gotten us.


i'm about to get list like up in here

first, with the teevee talk

  • how awesome was house last night? i felt like the sick person story was a little draggy and ridiculous, but she paralleled house well and i absolutely love that actresses voice. i hope that it wasn't a hallucination, because that would be like the billionth time they have done that and i totally love the car into house scene. win. 
  • i am still mourning the loss of how i met your mother for the season, but they went out with a good bang and i can spend my lame summer television months thinking that lily is happily pregnant. i told the husband as soon as it started that she was with alien life form. this season was a lot of sad so i was happy to see it end with so much happy. 
  • i have never watched the biggest loser before, but i got hooked about half way through this season and i am loving it. i don't know what happens tonight, but i hope the best things happen to hannah. it really is amazing to watch  the transformations. 
  • uhm, voice? yes? i love it and i got the husband hooked on it, too. i still think blake shelton is an absolute idiot for letting tyler robinson go, but i will move forward with the show trying to hold only a little grudge. the show really is the awesome and i am excited for it tonight. 
  • and yes, glee. i love me some glee. i love me some over-the-top break outs into random song and ridiculous plot twists. you could judge me, but jesus said not to. so there. i am hoping they win nationals. i don't know if the writers will do that, but i would rather it not completely mimic the last season-ender. plus, if they lose nationals you know they will probably take it next year and the formula gets a bit boring. 
  • how sucky is the end of good television!? i am super excited that we get so you think you can dance and next food network star soon. the closer is a huge summer time tee vee win for us, too. excuse me a minute while i go hug my television and tell it that i love it and i don't know how other people live without it. 
we had a really nice weekend with the paw-paw. there was mall time, park time, zoo time, play time, and a lot of food time. we had a bit of lemon with our scotch and water and we had a lot of good conversation. the weekend was so much fun that the husband and i actually felt like we got a bit of a vacation, too. i feel like such a parent because this weekend we bought our first season pass to a zoo, which is a big moment. turns out we have an adorable little zoo right by our house and ge really loved it. ge gets overwhelmed pretty easily and this is a perfect sized place for him to explore without getting stressed out. i look forward to getting to know the little animals at our zoo this summer. 

this weekend we get to see my sister and her family and they are going to take the little devils off of our hands for two hours so we can actually be grow-ups and go see the hangover two. i. are. excited!! i feel spoiled with all of this family time because my family is way cooler than yours. i mean, no offense, but i have to be biased. you would be biased, too.


laser envy

the kiddo's beloved paw-paw is in town and not only did he bring his love for entertaining our children, he brought a really cool blue laser with a super powerful beam. for his line of work he is the kind of person who needs super powerful laser beams, and as a proud relative i am the kind of person who just found out i love to play with super powerful laser beams. for instance: did you know that if you hold black paper up to said laser it will actually start on fire!? très bien!! also, playing with laser beams during the night time is a lot, and i mean a lot, of fun. i am probably not responsible enough to own one, nor could i legally buy one, but it was a lot of fun. 

last nights adventures in phosphor fun were a blast, and today brings more merriment as we head to the slides and later make some blue cheese burgers. i absolutely love the chance to spend time with family and watch the kids get some solid interaction with their grandfather. slides and books by day - science, mma, and politics by night. perfection!

my blood test results came back clean, which is good, but slightly annoying. i am almost positive i am going to have to move myself to a gluten free diet to see if that brings the feelings back into my hands. i miss having extremities that feel normal. right now i am either in excruciating pain, or numb. blah. perhaps i will make the month of july not only about our freedom, but my freedom from gluten. i am going to give the zoloft withdrawals the two more weeks necessary to finish off, too, before i make any major decisions. part of me was just really wishing the doctor would call back and give me a solid issue and solution. they never have before though, so i suppose i am not too surprised. 

off to play in the rain.


ham fried goodness

a few nights back i made a delicious stir fry that i placed over quinoa. at that time i had me an idea - i love ham fried rice, ham fried rice is not good for me, maybe if i made extra quinoa i could use that in the place of rice and conjure myself up a beautiful ham fried quinoa that gave me all of the protein and none of the guilt. turns out, yes! yes, i can.

and so, with my leftover quinoa, i designed a new and improved fried 'rice' that tastes absolutely amazing. if you are still trying to figure out if you are a quinoa person, but you love brown rice, you will never know the difference! choose your own vegetables, saute them along with some chicken or ham (i love ham!), add in some leftover quinoa ('round 8 or so minutes, all together), and cook it all over medium or so heat until they start to taste great. push all of that to the side and add in a few eggs, scrambled, and cook them until they are almost done, but still a bit runny. mix together. add in enough soy sauce that you feel good about yourself, and if you have it on hand (i always do) a bit of sesame oil really pushes this dish over the edge. get everyone in the pan acquainted, give your husband the evil eye, tell him it sucks, and eat it all yourself so you don't have to share.

delicious! healthy! and eaaassssyyyy.

my good idea turned out great. go me. :)


food inspiration

i became incredibly inspired about the munchkin's food choices today while catching up on meet the dubiens. looking through pages and pages of amazon goodies, i started thinking that mebbe it would be possible to move ge over to a gluten free diet for a while by turning his food into a lot of fun. the little bento boxes, cutters, shapers, and random container goodies could actually make him enjoy eating!

so, anyone just looking to send me random things for absolutely no reason, please feel free to consider the first 13 items on my amazon wish list. ;) otherwise i am sure i will start collecting these things on my own as i can. i need a game plan to commit to a multiple week gluten cleanse for our home and i just don't know exactly how to move forward with ge. i am hoping that i can put together an arsenal of ideas and recipes for when i begin to make sure that there is no slip ups along the way. i want to make it a commitment that i can succeed at.

spending the time to find all of these things has made me feel like i might be able to do the cleanse for him that i have known i need to do for a while. ge has always had tummy problems and i want to do whatever i can to help him, and a gluten free diet is most likely the next best step forward.

my thyroid ultrasound came back normal. blood tests should be in in the next few days. this morning i woke up with two giant burn blisters on my fingers and i was absolutely shocked. i can't believe that my hands are so numb these days that i couldn't even feel a burn bad enough to give me these blisters. even typing this i can't really feel my fingers connecting to the keys, unless the tingling kicks in for a moment and reminds me i still have fingers. i am so tired of all this. my anxiety and my depression have really ramped up the last few days; i am just so tired of feeling like crap.

many life changes coming soon. i am going to go all boy scout on them and earn my "bitch was super prepared for that!" badge. wish me luck!


maybe not, may

i wanted to be a diligent blogger this month, but i am just not feeling the every day right now. weekends are hard for me because i don't really want to be on the internet. yesterday we had craft morning, visited the local farm, made jalapeno burgers, and watched the social network (an awful movie! how people liked it was beyond us!) and there wasn't a minute in there that i felt like stepping away from that goodness to type. i want to suck up every minute i have on the weekends with my family.

plus, with family coming into town this week, and more family visit time at the end of this month; it's just not going to happen. so maybe not, may. maybe august. or maybe never. i am loving blogging and i don't want to burn myself out by forcing myself to write something every day. and with that, no more words today, just a picture that makes me mass schmappy.


thursday i'm in gloves

i tried to blog yesterday, i really did, but blogger decided to go on a sucking binge and break down for quite some time. i am glad it is back up and running. i am filled with anxiety today and blogging really calms that down for me.

one of my favorite "mommy tricks" i keep in my arsenal comes into play every thursday. thursday round here is toy box (that's what i call our home) cleaning day. normally chunk chooses thursday as the day she refuses to nap, and ge turns into a needy mess, and i am left pulling out my hair and scrubbing in between the madness. i love ge, and i love that he wants to help, but his idea of cleaning and my idea of cleaning are completely different. and so, a few months ago, i devised a plan to keep him occupied. i thought about drugging chunk to help her, but then i remember that is wrong. very, very, wrong.

i declared thursday to be craft day! brilliant mom! i wait until chunk's long nap (the one that is at least a half an hour) and i set ge up with a craft i can trust him to do on his own while i set about blasting the bathrooms with bleachy goodness. it is a win / win because ge loves it, and it is good for him, and my bathrooms finally smell good and become so fresh and so clean clean! i can normally fit both bathrooms into this time frame and then i cross my fingers and hope that this thursday will be the toy box cleaning day that chunk sleeps for at least an hour.

if not i can normally set her up in her chair to watch her brother be creative, and they are both happy with that option, while i work on whatever room they are currently in. i have learned the tricks of transportation and bribery to pull of a cleaning job that i can feel good about, which, on average, consumes about 6 of my hours during the day. oh, ocd, how i love thee.

and ge and i often keep an open dialog going so i can also try and have a teaching moment with him. i love the painting crafts because we can talk about colors, and which colors mix together to create other colors. he starts off creating little patchworks of color, but paints all find a way to mix together and eventually it is a gray / brown mess of color, but he is pleased because this is his work, and he still has enough innocence to be proud of himself.

and the kid is thorough and paints every space available. and my bathrooms are sparkling. and chunk is still a horrible beast, but we love her anyway. in the other rooms ge picks up and wipes things off as he helps me clean the rest of the house. thursday is process, an often stressful one, but i have eliminated a large chunk of that stress for myself an ge with craft time. plus, i have a lot of fun little things to keep from this time in his life.


my day had me

today has been a long day for so many reasons. i have really had to be on my a game the last 48 hours and last night the chunk-a-tron didn't really allot me the amount of sleep necessary for my a game. i occasionally felt like my game was a little more b minus today.

my long awaited internal medicine doctor's visit was today. friday i get a full blood panel workup and a throat ultrasound, but my doctor's first diagnosis is a "serious" thyroid condition and celiacs disease. celiacs doesn't concern me, because i have watched my sister kick ass at her gluten free life and i know that she will be there to give me advice and help me learn to cook, but i don't so much like the thyroid issues. no matter what i am ready to put the days of feeling awful behind me and hope that i can simply get a diagnosis and a path forward to feeling the best kerry that i can be.

right now america's next top model is on (go hannah!), there is a glass of wine to be drank, and silence to be enjoyed. and i am going to use these next minutes before i head off into slumber land to relax and reflect. cheers.


the struggle

the doctor's tell me i suffer from anxiety, agoraphobia, and extreme ocd. i tell myself, well, of course i do. i think we all struggle with something or another. i know a lot of beautiful people that all struggle with something. i have a lot of wonderful female friends that struggle with so many things each day and i am proud of all of them for so many reasons. it is easy to feel like you are your issues, and i have made a promise to myself, my kids, and my husband, that i will no longer let my struggles run my life. and so, instead of keeping my kids indoors this spring, i have decided to pick myself up and move us all out to explore our new stomping grounds. today was awesome. limerick, pa has an amazing park. and rather than tell my blog readers what an amazing time we had; i am going to let the pictures speak fro themselves.

tomorrow i urge you all to get out and do at least one thing that you don't want to do; especially if it is good for you. <3 and, if you read this little blog, please tell me what you did. i want to share these moments with my friends. <3

thoughts out loud

i am worried for children. i am worried that there is this big need for people to explain their children's actions and thoughts by diagnosing them something rather than just accepting the facts that kids will, indeed, be kids. i was concerned while watching the today show this morning because the "soft signs" they mentioned for children on the autism-spectrum fit not only most children i know, but my son, to a t. and my son is not autistic, nor does he have aspergers, or a.d.d., and he most certainly is not going to ever be paraded to a doctor to be diagnosed as something.

i fail to understand the benefit singling out a child's personality or way of do things. i fail to understand how it is healthy to bring a child in a room and tell them that there is something wrong with them, but it's okay because there is a name for it. and thank twonicorns that there is a big pharma company that has finally made a medication for that sick little child. it seems as if some people want to put a white shirt with big black letters on their child that says a.d.d. (or what have you) so if that child has a minute of actually being a child, and that parent is for whatever effing reason embarrassed by it or doesn't know how to handle it, they can point at the shirt and say that it's not their fault. and then they can take that child home, give them a drug that crushes their spirit and literally alters their personality, and they pat themselves on the back because they figured it out.

in elementary they tried to convince my mother that my older brother should be on riddlin because he was acting out in class. and by acting out the teacher meant he was talking, and that his attention span was short, and (get this!) he wanted to go outside and play rather than staying in doors. in other words, my brother was being a little boy, and the teacher didn't want to deal with that, and so they approached my mother to drug him to keep him in line. what about that seems right to anyone!? to drug up a little boy for being simply that is asinine. my brother is lucky to have an intelligent mother with the good sense to say no.

being a parent is hard work, and so is being a teacher. kids are impulsive, and then insanely repetitive, and they like to walk into a room making crazy sounds and throw themselves on the floor. they like attention and interaction and if you aren't giving it to them they are going to find a way to make you crazy until you do. there is nothing wrong with that. don't drug them, go outside and play with them. have you actually read the side effects for the drugs people are filling their kids up with? terrifying. absolutely terrifying.

and i am not saying that issues that need addressed do not exist, and of course those issues should be taken care of. what i am mostly saying is that i wish people would think a little more deeply about sticking a label on their kids and sending out into the world. the only label on a child should be child. we worry so much about bullying, but we don't often sit back to think what we do to contribute to kids feeling bad about themselves. and a lot of people out there scream about issues in regards to teen pregnancy, but they refuse to actually sit down with their kids and talk to them about sex. and i know that is a completely different point, but i ramble when i get irritated.

*** this rant brought to you by intuniv, who urges you not to let your little adhd babies operate heavy machinery while the drug works its magic on altering his / her brain. asshats.



i want to blog about my day, about my mother, about my sister, about the michael bolton being the most awesome person in the world that ever sang a song about jack sparrow, but i don't. my morning started early and was full of happy like tears. today has been here, but a bit off, and i am ready to just find my peace and blog tomorrow. my mom is such an amazing person that when i send her all of my positive thoughts she will not care that they came a day later than hallmark wanted me to send them. plus, we have already spent the weekend talking, and telling her over the phone that she is nothing short of amazing is just as meaningful as my mom day ramblings of the keyboard variety.

i will say this : the highlight of today was my 3 year old, gage, telling me "happy birthday mother's day!" and literally running towards me to hug me. to say i burst out into tears is an understatement. this day is not a celebration of me, to me, but a celebration of all the people in my life who helped me to be a mother. and i am grateful. and i am tired. and i am ready for a glass of wine.

to all the mothers, to all of my women friends, to all of the people that have had a mother to celebrate - happy mother's day. happy day in general. , ma


sadistic slumbers

* i feel like i have to preface this blog by saying that i do not choose to watch the kardashians. but yes, i am a person that will stop to watch a train wreck if one happens in front of me. if, for some reason (the soup!), our tv is tuned to E! and the kardashians are on i cannot look away. they are such interesting people to me because i truly cannot understand why people would actually want to watch them. and yet, they are my television show equivalent of a train wreck.

this morning the husband let me sleep in. (i actually slept until 9 am!) for me, most of my crazy dreams happen after the sun has risen and i continue peacefully in my slumber, burritoed in my soft comforter and squishy pillows. today the crazy dreams reached a monumental peak by way of the kardashians. i will tell the dream as i saw it - please try not to judge my insanity too harshly.

we begin at a dive bar. the best way to describe this bar is dusty; the colors were very sepia toned and the faces of the people around me took on a very softened look.  my husband and i were surrounded by some friends that are real in our life and some of, what i call, my dream friends (people that do not actually exist, but often pop up in my sleeping head.) we were deep in detective like conversation about the serial killings that were happening around us. the surroundings began to take shape as the conversation unfolded, sort of like they happen in a movie; where there is a description of events and places and the camera pans the location they are speaking about. the location was a large quarry with a giant mansion settled in to one of its ledges. the home was vibrant, but the surrounding were very gray and ominous looking. the dive bar happened to sit above the quarry and our homes were somewhere around, although never really shown in my dream. there was a television that was giving us the news of a serial killer in the area and the prime suspect was scott disick. anyone who has ever seen the kardashian shows would most likely agree that out of anyone on the E! network, scott would probably be the person voted most likely to be a creep ass killer. and yet, i was skeptical. we started to piece together the events and i started to argue with our group. is scott an ass? yes. but does being the world's most giant bag of douche make you a killer? not so much. i broke from the group and started a very video game like search for the killer. there were ledges to cross, clues that were grabbed by just the force of thought, and everything started to pull together. the video game like parts of my dream were vibrant, full of color and speed. the husband and i journeyed together and in picking up all the clues realized that it was actually rob kardashian that was the killer. and we brought it to everyone, who immediatly jumped to the defense of what they saw as such an innocent little guy, but the cops started to agree with me and finally i busted the case wide open. rob kardashian, serial killer. we found the clues all over the quarry and were congratulated for our hard work.

and then i woke up, because i could hear my little girl making noises from the other room and i knew that her dad did not have the same means to feed her that i did. and it took me a few minutes to realize what a crazy brain i live in. and i laughed. as much as i love my morning sleep in sessions, they send my dream brain to absolutely insane places. like i said, please do not judge me. you should hear about the crazy shit my mom dreams up!

lovely day in kerry land. we finally retrieved my summer wardrobe from storage and i found that last bit of motivation i need to lose the baby weight when absolutely nothing in my wardrobe fit me. i am going to dig down deep into my motivational bucket and pull that last bit out to help myself. i have been living in such a sad place for the last year and i am ready to help myself, finally. i need to do this because i want to feel better. the husband and ge went on a mother's day shopping trip and ge came home to tell me most of the presents that were bought and how excited he was to surprise me. chunk and i danced around the house a lot and i teared up several times thinking about how grateful i am to have the kids, the husband, and the family that i have.

i am looking forward to tomorrow because it is a day to reflect on my beautiful mother and the past that has brought me here today. it's like the facts of life always said : you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have. until tomorrow, goodnight and good wine.


mommy blogging

i have to be honest, i used to look at stay at home moms and mock them in my head. how could that be difficult? how is that a job? don't you just sit at home and play with the little ones all day and snack? psh. stay at home moms.

and now, well now i understand that i couldn't have been more wrong about what a difficult job spending all day running evil minions and trying to keep your home clean is. if we are able to make it out if the house by noon it is a miracle. if by the time we make it out of the house i am not exhausted from the sheer effort that goes into getting to little kids and myself ready to leave, i surely am after we run our errands. strap in the car seats, unstrap and take one out, maybe hold the other baby or her in her car seat, don't touch that, no you can't have anything, why are you spitting at strangers, no we don't touch that, why are you even saying that, please stop crying we will be home soon, i am sorry i can't feed you, no you can't have cookies for dinner, seriously stop touching that, omg mommy has to go home before all of these people see her have a nervous break down. phew. it's so much.

and they are little tornadoes. in my next life i will never teach my children that toys exist, or i will just buy a puppy. i can clean the house and 5 minutes later everything is ruined. forget about eating in peace, either. the 3 year old thinks that as soon as i do something for myself he needs to jump in to make sure i am actually doing something for him. my life is cartoon theme songs, laundry, bedtimes, crazy arguments, weird sounds, tears, fights about food, diapers, bathroom floors covered in magical cleaning pee, toys, toys, more toys, and then we wake up and do it all over again. there is never a break. there is only calm after 9 pm and by then i am so exhausted that who even cares about the quiet. i look forward to the weekends and week nights after 7 because the closer comes home and the little monkeys attach to his gravitational pull and i feel less weight and my smile and my hair start coming back.

so, to all of the stay at home moms out there, i apologize for ever doubting you and i want to send out my love and respect for what you (we) do. this mother's day i hope that you all pat yourself on the back and sneak away for 5 minutes to enjoy a bit of silence.

and, because my mommy guilt will not allow me to end this post sounding so rude i must say - the smiles, the hugs, the cuddles, watching them grow up, being there to share all of the moments, singing the stupid theme songs with them, laughter, laughter, laughter, and more laughter, the walks, the trips out we turn into learning experiences, kissing them better, loving them every minute no matter what - those things make me love this staying at home and this being their mom. and sometimes, i may sneak in a moment to breathe so they don't see the cracks in my sanity, but when i walk out in the room again and they both smile up, happy to see me still, it reminds me that this is worth it. that the only place in the world i want to be is home, with them.


i do, but i won't

i actually do have a few things i would like to blog about tonight, but maybe (most definitely) i would rather hang out with the husband, drink a cinco de mayo corona(s), eat my awesome jalapeño chicken enchiladas, and watch some nbc goodness. ... until tomorrow.


my favorite daily sountrack

ge all out refused to sing and hated when other people sang just a few short months ago. but i persisted and rose above his screams of "nooooo" while i sang the abc song over and over on our drives about town. and then, one random day, he stopped screaming "noooo" and he just sat there, tolerating my obnoxious renditions of twinkle twinkle and the abc song. and then he slowly started paying attention, and then practicing on his own, and then singing to me, and finally he burst out singing his songs with pride. he will still only sing 2 songs, but he is listening, and i am happy for now. i love music and i hope to give him that gift of appreciation, if i can.

so it is with great pride that i present you with my little man's first 2 musical performances by way of my flip video camera. i think he is so adorable, but of course i am biased.


this business of ...

this business of being alive can be quite expensive. and maybe, sometimes, it can be quite stressful. and yet, these are the things we figure out that propel us from figuring it out, to living it. i much prefer the living it portion of life, even with the stated stresses.

earlier today i wanted to be a chocolate chip waffle because even though i know toasters can be hot, i would still be full of chips and people would throw money at me to eat me. wait, this is all going in a very wrong direction. hard few weeks; seems like the pile is getting bigger - time to practice my breathing techniques. excuse me.


joy, the sweetest

maybe i ate a chili dog for breakfast. and maybe i covered that chili dog in cheese and red onions and hot sauce. and maybe i enjoyed every single bite of it. maybe.

yesterday during my yay-i-finally-can-sit-down-and-play-on-the-internet(!) time i was catching up on all of my favorite blogs (listed over there on the right, in case you didn't notice). i made my way over to joy the baker dot com and started reading her recipe for gluten free strawberry cupcakes and i was just so excited to see a flour girl show the gluten free crowd some love, especially since my sister is part of that gluten free crowd (a life changing thing for her, YAY!)  i noticed half way in that this post was also a contest and up for grabs were not only the cookbook for gluten free cupcake, but also the coconut flour and arrowroot powder necessary to make them. holy gluten free cooking awesomeness, batman!

the criteria for the comment was to tell her what you did this weekend out of your comfort zone, and i did, but mostly i told her about how my wonderful sister had to go out of her comfort zone over the last year to rid her life of her beloved friends, pasta and bread, because they were literally harming her and her body. i also told her how wonderful it is that she was showing the gluten free crowd some love. and that i would love the book and flours so i could give them to my sister and demand that she bake me cupcakes every time i have the chance to come down to see her so we could eat cupcakes and drink wine (yum!)

seeing as i am a person who has never won anything i have learned to curb my anticipation for the luck of the draw, so i was very surprised this morning to see an email titled, "hi from joy". and i was super excited that she was so sweet to give this gift to me, so i could be the most thoughtful regifter ever. if that is something that one could be. i am excited and my sister is excited and she said that she will even let me have two (2!) cupcakes when she makes them. i couldn't have more support for brook and her gluten free life, especially because the bread is delicious and it is always fun to try new things when we go to her house.

and seriously, she made a gluten free rum cake that was to die for this christmas and you would have never said, "well there is no flour in this" because you would have been far too busy just eating and eating and eating. gluten free is just assumed to be not so good, but those assumptions are so far off and that community deserves all the love they can get because that life is expensive and often very inconvenient. did you know things like midol and crystal light have gluten in them? and that when people who have gluten intolerances have  gluten they in turn have horrible reactions? that. just. sucks. most people don't have to worry about the realities of gluten allergies, but i have come to understand just what a solid pain in the ass it is.

so thank you to joy the baker for not only being an awesome blogger, but for making my morning. i love the internet and the blog-o-sphere because of people like her. and because people write funny things on pictures that make me laugh. and because of wikipedia.

aside from the joy love, my little chunky princess started feeding herself today! one puff at a time, deliberate hand to mouth action; it's a huge moment in her motor skill milestones! she is currently sitting next to me playing with her favorite toy she owns, a water bottle, and looking so proud of herself. and i know that i wrote about this over on flickr, but that little chunk, she just warms my heart. her smile and her happiness are infectious, and she always fills me with ooey gooey good feelings. puppies, unicorns, kittens, and rainbows - oh my! i wanted to share this video with you all, which doesn't truly do the chunk's cuteness justice, but it just feels like such a good moment to share with my fellow internet stompers. and so, i leave this post of gratitude for joy the baker, with a shared gratitude for baby smiles. in particular, my baby's smiles.


defining love

ge : "mom, i love you mom."

me : "i love you too, bug."

ge : "and daddy loves me, and polly loves me, and you love me."

me : (while eating a big bite of mashed potatoes) "i do. i love you, and meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

ge : "uhm, no mom. we don't love mashed potatoes because we don't kiss them."

things that keep me laughing

maybe my husband gave our daughter a blessing in the starbuck's parking lot yesterday in the name of mark wahlberg.