gear shift

i lost another friend to suicide today, a good friend. i honestly cannot count the amount of friends i have lost to suicide on my fingers any longer, and there have been so many that i know i am missing some. as a person who struggles with depression i understand that it can be debilitating, but please get help if you are having issues. there are friends and family members to be thought of. yes, suicide might be an easy way out, but you leave a wake in the path of your self destruction that cannot be calmed. you may feel lost in the moment, but i promise that you are loved.

there are so many things that i will remember about my friend, but the thing that keeps popping into my brain today is the sweet gesture he made sending my little ge a pair of awesome swedish brown boots because he thought he would like them. they are my absolute favorite shoes ge has ever owned, and i look forward to putting chunk in them as well, and remembering my friend that was so gracious to send them with love. brandon was always there for me no matter what time of day it was and we spent many times of day talking. i have had him as a solid friend for so long and i will miss his big smile and his big heart. my utah friends are broken today with his loss, and we all share a sadness due to his absence.

i am sorry that he had to feel so much pain that he thought the only option was to take his life. i am sorry that he couldn't reach out and let someone else take the pain from his shoulders so we could still have him here today. i am sorry that he couldn't see inside of his own soul to realize the beauty it put out. he will always have a soft spot in my heart and i will always remember him fondly as a true friend.

rest in peace, brandon. i hope that the calm after the storm is as peaceful as i believe it to be. i will miss you. thank you for a gift that will keep on giving me a memory of you on the feet of my precious little children. love.


  1. My heart just sank. Brandon was always a friend to everyone, he was so thoughtful and cared about others more than himself. He was so unselfish. He will be missed by so many.. :(

  2. <3
    It seems to me it is always those who are so unselfish, that give and give and don't expect anything in return, and eventually they just can't give anymore. Doesn't make it right or ok though, and I'll never be able to wrap my head around suicide, even though I have struggled/struggle with depression also.

    Brandon was one of the most sincere and genuine people I've ever met. He put you at ease and you could bare your whole soul to him, he never judged. I too wish he could have been able to share his pain with those around him that love him, I wish he could have in return bore his soul to those he gave his time listening to.

    I love the story of the shoes! That is B, always thinking of others, giving to others.