a good excuse becomes a simple reason

i really wanted to edit and post my pictures of our wonderful easter and include a story or two, but instead i woke up with an abscessed tooth, spent the afternoon at urgent care, and have been battling the crazy heat along with a wonderful bout of extreme nausea. typing words is making my stomach churn even more. this. is. lame.

and in all honesty i am currently detoxing from zoloft (have been for 4 days now) and it is absolutely horrible. the zaps are miserable, the constant sickness, debilitating depression, hot / cold spells, headache, numbness, tears, and all of the other evils that come with withdrawal. i would have never, never, gone on zoloft if someone explained to me that when i got off of it i would literally go through withdrawals; it's horrible. i could write a p.s.a. about the evils of that effing drug, but i have to go throw up, again.

so yes, the last four days have been horrible. easter was wonderful and my family is amazing, but i have been in the heat of a losing battle and it doesn't really feel like it is getting any better. i read that zoloft detox takes a week or a few months. and i wouldn't have gone off of it, but i literally was becoming alarmingly suicidal and it took me sitting down after a long crazy conversation with my sister to realize that something was going on in my brain that wasn't healthy. and so, as a grown ass adult who needs to reach in and find her coping skills, i got off of that drug and am going to learn to manage my anxiety and my ocd the old fashioned way ... by sucking it up.

after suffering postpartum depression with my son i welcomed in the damb drug with open arms when my obgyn gave me a prescript when my daughter was born. and it helped for a while. but after getting my dose upped to 150 mg things started to get out of control. i didn't even realize that i was spending most of my days deep in thoughts of horrible things i could do to myself and it never really occurred to me that something was wrong with that. and looking back on it the longer i took zoloft the more depressed i became and that is what made me decide i needed more and so on. the effing drug is a vicious cycle with no rinse option.

and yes, maybe this is a little bit of blog t.m.i., but maybe someone will read this and they will understand my message - zoloft is teh evils. i would have told you different a few months ago, but i was wrong. very wrong. and ytf don't doctors tell you that when you go off of it you will literally go insane(r)? my heart beat is completely irregular right now and the doctor at urgent care just said, "yep, going off that drug is really hard." i feel like doctors should tell you that you will have to go through all of these things, because i never would have gone on it. if my doctor would have said, "well, it's going to help balance your hormones out after the pregnancy, but eventually it will make you incredibly depressed and you will think that suicide is a great option. and then, when you realize that that is in no way healthy because the person that is inside of you that isn't on crazy drugs loves her life and definitely wants to live, you will get off of it and horrible things will happen to you. you will be sitting on the couch and it will feel like someone literally shocked your brain and then you will feel dizzy and then you will spend an entire morning crying for no reason and feel a sadness that is heavier than any blanket you have ever felt. here, take this pill." i would have been forced to punch my doctor and tell him / her abso-fracking-lutely not. and, are you freaking stupid? no one should feel any of those things.

and there you have it. if that doesn't fit the april theme of "sprout" for nablopomo, i don't know what does. i am sprouting back to myself. i am remembering, again, that i don't need all the crazy stuff and i just need to be surrounded by the wonderful people i love. life has its hard moments, but looking back on all of it i am thrilled to be here today. and, ask anyone who knows me, i can be drama.

please send my tooth infection negative thoughts and tell it you don't want it around me anymore. make it feel really bad about itself because it is killing me. 4 more days of antibiotics and hopefully only a few more days of withdrawal. i told the husband tonight that i do feel like i am going to come out of this in a few days and i will feel like me again. the real me that isn't completely insane. the drama me, but not the drama me that bawls all night and says horrible things i really don't feel. i miss me. i miss my own brain and my own feelings and not being a blue robot.

remember, kids, just say no to drugs. all of them.

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