last friday i decided to throw my zoloft away rather than take my dose of addiction for one more evening. the last 7 days have been nothing short of a trial and the ebb and flow of my body's withdrawal from that horrible medication has been difficult. today my lips are almost numb, with the occasional intense tingling feeling finding its way in there. my hands and feet are numb and tingling and my emotions are all over the board. i cried all morning when i saw kate's dress. i mean, it was really pretty, but i don't think that a sane kerry would have spent an hour crying because of the lacy beauty of the dress. last night the zaps were so horrible that it felt like i was going to have a heart attack. every 3rd beat of my heart was a bit off and i felt like i was being tenderly electrocuted. i hate all of these feelings. i hate the anxiety and the physical and emotional pain that this fracking drug withdrawal has given me.
on the plus side; my hair isn't falling out anymore, my sex drive is coming back, i don't feel like shooting myself in the head, and i am starting to find my old spark of me again. my husband told me last night that he was happy to have me back and that seems silly, but the last few months have just been so incredibly difficult and i had no idea that a drug that was supposed to "help me" was swallowing me whole.
i am looking forward to a weekend of 70 degree temperatures, 2 wonderful kids, and a marvelous husband to share those things with. i am thinking there will be a trip to our local dairy to find ice cream and something to cook whatever we decided we want for dinner. merrymead farm has the absolute best strawberry ice cream that i have ever consumed. and the cream i bought from there and used for a decadent thanksgiving tiramisu was amazing. perhaps a nice steak will do, we shall see. i can say, with 100 % certainty, that i will not be getting the scrapple. it concerns me that people actually eat that shit.
for those of you that haven't heard of scrapple before and do not understand why i cringe at the word, let me quote the informational gods of wikipedia to explain:
"Locally called "everything but the oink" or made with "everything but the squeal", scrapple is typically made of hog offal, such as the head, heart, liver, and other scraps, which are boiled with any bones attached (often the entire head), to make a broth. Once cooked, bones and fat are discarded, the meat is reserved, and (dry) cornmeal is boiled in the broth to make a mush. The meat, finely minced, is returned to the pot and seasonings, typically sage, thyme, savory, black pepper, and others, are added. The mush is formed into loaves and allowed to cool thoroughly until set. The proportions and seasoning are very much a matter of the region and the cook's taste.
yeah, that's disgusting.
on the up and up the kids are doing well this week. ge and i have had a few battles, but only because i have ramped up lessons on politeness and listening a bit. he is such a smart and sweet little boy and is adapting to the lessons well. he never ceases to surprise me with his kindness and intelligence. chunk has decided that sleeping isn't necessary again, but i am sure that is because she is getting ready to crawl. she is doing well with solids and i absolutely cannot believe that i have made it this far with breastfeeding her. i was hoping to make it to a month when i was pregnant with her and now it has just become second nature for both of us. we have such a strong bond and i thank my body for that. i hate to spend so many days complaining, but it has been nice to blog through this withdrawal and put it all down instead of bottling it up. hopefully this passes soon.