sprouting, yeah i did that.

the last 30 days have been an interesting time for me. i turned 30, my littlest one is 7 months old, the 3 year old gave me a run for my money every single day, and my husband and i truly found our stride as a couple. i am honestly thankful that i chose to blog this month, and i had no idea what this april had in store for me when april fool's day rolled around.

tonight i am having a hard time. the withdrawals have finally reached my brain and i am so frustrated that i have been reduced to self deprecating tears multiple times today. my memory has given me a run for my money tonight and i am frustrated because i know i shouldn't be having these issues. tonight i feel like the things happening to me are happening in snippets and it is hard to deal with. i can say, with all honesty, that the last week has been one of the most trying times in my life, and i am still powering through.

the husband didn't have a very good end of month and i feel for him. he works so hard for his company and for his family and i feel bad for him when things don't exactly work out for him. he kept his head with him as soon as he walked through our doors this week and he, as always, stepped in as the amazing father and husband that he is. i just couldn't put my feelings towards my husband in words that would give him justice; he is my best friend, my rock. i just love him, i really do. i couldn't possibly begin to be me without him.

chunk is growing up so quickly. i can't believe that she is already 7 months old. when i was 7 months pregnant with her i was miserable, and i never thought that she would be here. i remember wondering if i would be able to breastfeed her, if i would love her the same way i loved ge, and if i would even find the time to be a mom to her in the middle of the life of crazy that i lived. and chunk came and she blew me out of the water from the word go. i gave birth to her via c-section and being away from her during those moments of recovery were so hard. from the moment i met her i loved her with every inch of who i am. chunk has put the color into the sketch of my life and i love her for it more every day.

and ge, my sweet ge. that little boy is so brilliant and so sweet. at least once a day he turns to me and says, "mom? i love you, mom." and my heart is filled. i didn't know who i was before there was ge and he reminds me everyday that he has helped me find myself. being a mother to him has changed me for so many positive reasons and he taught me to find meaning in myself. ge is a hard subject for me because i feel like i become so choked up when i think about who he is. i am so proud of that little boy and we are so connected for so many reasons. even on our hardest days i can't help but pick him up into my arms and thank him for just existing.

i thought that 30 was going to be the end of me, but with my family behind me i know that it is just the beginning. living so close to my sister again has given me such happiness. being able to be 2 and a half hours away from a patio and a glass of wine with my hero, my friend, has brought such a new light into my life. i have reexamined my life and my friendships and everything i have in this life feels solid.

so sprout, yeah, i am doing that. i am going to keep doing that. i felt like blogging through april was hard, but when nablopomo sent me the email today that the theme for may is maybe, well i am on board. and maybe they won't all be lengthy. and maybe i won't make it every day. but i am going to try and i am going to pat myself on the back if i make it. and maybe tomorrow i am going to wake up and all of this shit is going to be gone and i will be back - 30 years old, mother of 2, proud wife, and still trying to figure it all the frack out.

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